Perimenopause and Parenting: How to Cope Now
More and more women have children after the age of 30. In fact, the median age of women giving birth is…30. So I did the math: if more women are growing their families “later” in life (“quotes” because geez, 30 ain’t old…), perimenopause will likely collide with having children at home. As if perimenopause isn’t difficult enough, juggling it with parenting is extra challenging. Read on about perimenopause and parenting: how to cope now.
First, a pivotal moment.
I was sitting on an exam table wrapped in a voluminous hospital gown, a stiff white sheet covering my lap. My healthcare provider was talking. She talked a lot. Some of it was relevant to healthcare. Often it wasn’t. But at that particular moment during my annual exam, despite the vulnerability of thin hospital garb, I was all ears. She was telling of a family friend who recalled
The day Mom went crazy.
I knew nothing then what The Change was like…only the textbook and magazine descriptions, the television portrayals of hot flashes. Think Kim Catrall’s character Samantha from Sex and the City. If only the rest of us could look as fabulous as she while fanning herself ferociously in a posh Manhattan bar.
I was already married with small kids when my mom went through menopause. I didn’t witness the worst of what she went through, although I do recall instances where she exclaimed how warm the room was.
So that story about a mom who “went crazy” left an impression. A memory that is etched in a son’s psyche. Memories I don’t want my kids to have of me. And as the hot flashes ramp up (my new superpower, I tell myself)…
And the emotions yo-yo like never before…
and the food cravings are too easily indulged by the incredible food case selections in New Zealand cafes…
I’m trying to keep it together, like many other women with teens (and younger) at home, so that my kids’ memoirs don’t include a chapter on “How My Mom Went Crazy.”
So, Moms, how do we cope?
Full disclosure, a discussion about hormone replacement therapy is beyond the scope of this post. Because the topic of HRT is complicated and the use of HRT is not for everyone. Think about the results of the first Women’s Health Initiative (WHI) in 2002. If you recall, their release sent women’s health practices into a tailspin. We have more and better information now, but it’s best to ask your healthcare provider if hormone replacement is suitable for you.
(Sorry to sound like a drug commercial. But you have to admit; it’s a great way to put it. Really though, talk to a respected healthcare provider.)
Fortunately, much of what we can do to ease the discomfort and frustration of perimenopause is good overall for our bodies and minds. And if we are better in body and mind, we are in a better position to tackle the job of all jobs, parenting.
Eat a Healthy Diet
You may have seen ads on your social media for foods that balance hormones. Whether certain foods can do that, many on these lists are otherwise recommended for women in (peri-)menopause. For example, salmon, avocado, almonds, and chia are high in omega-3 fatty acids. Adding them to your diet can reduce the risk of heart disease, improve cardio-protective HDL, and lower cardio-harming triglycerides. (Read here for a more comprehensive list of foods rich in omega-3’s)
Calcium and vitamin D are also essential to maintain and prevent bone loss, which occurs at a heightened rate during (peri-)menopause, thanks to fluctuating and decreasing estrogen levels. As dairy isn’t always the best option for getting calcium and vitamin D in the diet, consider powerhouse foods like spinach, egg yolks, and, again, salmon. (Looking for more options? Read this article from webmd.com)
In tandem with eating healthy foods during menopause, there are those delicious comforts we need to consume in limited quantities. Unfortunately, processed foods, sugary treats, and alcohol all hurt us in the long run. Too much junk food increases our risk of heart disease, hypertension and diabetes. Alcoholic beverages can trigger hot flashes. So at the very least, limit these indulgences.
And speaking of hydration…
Chose water. I know, boring. But it doesn’t have to be. Make every day a spa day by adding fresh lemon, cucumber or crushed berries to your H2O. And keep a water bottle at your fingertips wherever you go. Hot flashes and their resultant perspiration cause fluid loss, as does:
Exercise
Exercise is an absolute must during the menopausal years. Sleep disruption, mood swings, weight gain, and decreased metabolism are some of women’s frustrations during this time. And guess what? Exercise can combat them all.
You don’t need to invest in a Peleton or spend hours working out to reap the benefits of working out. Invest in some hand weights and pump those muscles to improve strength and balance and keep osteoporosis at bay. Do triple-duty by hitting the pavement and going for a brisk walk several times a week: you get moving, elevate your mood by experiencing nature and get a bit of Vitamin D. Just be sure to use sun protection for more than a few minutes in the sunshine.
Streamline your workout by trying HIIT (High-Intensity Interval Training). Evidence suggests that these shorter bursts of exercise are great for metabolism and fitness. And HIIT can fit into the busiest of schedules. Here’s a 15-minute, every-other-day regiment I tried for the last month, and I love it:
Get to the Garden
The home we rent in New Zealand has a raised-bed garden begging for some action. Thrilled I didn’t need a mini-Fort Knox to keep wildlife at bay (necessary in our home state of Colorado), this perimenopausal mama is learning to garden. Gardening is a fantastic way to be outside, and nurturing little seedlings into blooming tomato, strawberry and pea plants elevates the mood. Plus, it’s work! Digging dirt, squatting, and carrying bags of sheep poo help burn calories.
And then there’s the obvious: more healthy food for the table. Foods, if the multiple sources out there are to be believed, that help with:
Hot Flashes
As mentioned above, some foods supposedly help balance female hormones, which in turn may help provide relief from hot flashes. Eliminating hot flashes during perimenopause is unlikely, but we can combat them with a simple, common-sense approach:
- Limit alcohol consumption
- Hydrate (see above)
- Wear breathable fabrics like cotton, in layers. Once the hot flash subsides, the sweat on our skin evaporates, inevitably bringing chills.
- keep a small portable fan at your workstation
Sooth the mood
As if hot flashes aren’t bad enough, then there are the mood swings. Torture. For us, and let’s be honest, for everyone around us.
One way to combat the emotional roller coaster of is meditation. Meditation has been shown to reduce stress, even out the mood, and nurture patience and tolerance (both needed in the pursuit of parenting!). It doesn’t have to mean sitting still, as yoga and tai chi are movement-based variations of meditation. While not a substitute for medical treatment, meditation in its multiple forms can support traditional medical care.
Not sure where to start on a meditation journey? Look for an App with a free trial to get you going. Check out Healthline’s April 2022 review of the 12 best meditation apps.
The Parenting Part of the Puzzle
I’m far from perfect. But I’ve acquired some tools and learned some lessons over time that have preserved my role as a parent (and my dignity…). Importantly, the tools and lessons have served me well as my three kids turned into enigmatic teenagers and I’ve entered perimenopause:
- Leave the room and take a breath. Or two. Or two hundred. My meditation practice has served our whole family well when I feel like I’m going to lose it. Give yourself permission to walk away and regroup. The break will help put things in better perspective and put you in a better frame of mind to tackle a tough situation.
- Teen brains undergo a crazy amount of reconstruction, which helps explain the turbulent teen years. I remind myself of this every time my teens try my patience. Teen brains undergo a massive remodel, causing mood swings and erratic, impulsive behavior. In short, none of this is your teenager’s fault. As stressful as parenting teens is, our kids are really feeling it as their brains and bodies grow, change and develop. We wonder where that sweet little four-year-old went; that erstwhile four-year-old is wondering, What the shit?!? In those exact words, or worse.
- Keep talking to your kids. They are listening. In her book, The Teenage Brain, Francis E. Jensen, M.D, reassures parents that their advice is not falling on deaf ears. Jensen’s encouraging words advise parents to keep talking to their teens, and she explains in easy-to-understand detail how the teen brain changes and, as a result, why teens behave the way they do. Get this book and read it cover to cover.* It will change your perspective on the teen years entirely. It did mine, and I’m a better, more patient parent because of it.
You got this.
Moms, we are vulnerable when we aren’t at our best. We get tired and overwhelmed, and occasionally we fall ill. We’re human. Add menopausal changes to the mix, and we are challenged even more. Self-care is important, especially as we experience hot flashes, our own mood swings, and erratic menstrual cycles. Our kids won’t stop testing us; it’s their nature to experiment with independence and self-expression. Make it a priority to take care of yourself so you can be the best parent you can be. When things get rough, take a breath, take a break, and remember to parent with empathy, firm limits, and above all, love.
*I receive no benefits or compensation for promoting Dr. Jensen’s book.
