Who Do Your Teens Idolize? Why You Need to Know.
Think back to when you were a teenager, or younger. Who were your idols? And why? It can be embarrassing to think about so to break the ice, I’ll go first.
When I was four, I idolized Mac Davis. He sang songs on a record my family owned, and I thought he was kinda cute in a cowboy hat.
When I was eight, I idolized Bo and Luke Duke. Because they were cute (AND every other girl in school felt the same way). Also, they were constantly getting one over on the idiots who ran Hazzard County.
When I was fourteen (and fifteen, and twenty…) I idolized Bruce Springsteen. Because I liked his music. And he had a nice butt. (Think the Born in the USA album cover.)
Now, I idolize Bruce Springsteen for his musical and poetic talent, and his heartfelt honesty in his book Born To Run. And also because he STILL has a nice butt.
Full disclosure, I DO have people I admire for less superficial and more substantive reasons now. The Boss (duh). Jimmy Carter. But I think it’s worth looking back at who we’ve looked up to through our years of personal development, and what that list says about us today. There is a thread of continuity there, one worth reflecting on in our own lives, as who our children idolize can have influence on the people they become.
It makes sense, because if every life experience leads to a logical next event, and that event to the following, we end up in a place determined by events set in motion early on in our development. It’s mind-bending to think about.
What we need to do
We parents work continuously raising our kids to become good people. But we are not always at the center of influence. Others take over…friends, for one, and also who our kids admire. We need to be as aware of the latter as much as the former, as we guide our kids through the confusing world of growing up.
So after giving your own idols some thought, ask your kids about who they admire, and why. Start young. Continue on through every age and stage. Even (especially) during the teen years, where you may get a grunt as an answer. Share with your kids who you idolized at their age (and why). And explore how their reasoning (and yours) lines up with your family’s values and how you express those values.
If those explanations line up, how do they agree? And if they don’t, ask your kids what they think of how their idols behave, then compare their answers to what you teach at home We can learn a lot through this exercise, and so can our kids.
Ok, so if the answer is “(this person) is soooo cute!” well, that means something very different coming from a six year old than from a thirteen year old (who probably wouldn’t confess that to you anyway…) because well, one is carefree and the other is a teenager. But that’s where context and behavior come in, and this is even more important.
The challenge parents face
Let’s say your teen loves the music of a particular pop star and follows everything about this celebrity on social media and in the press, so is exposed to not just the music but the artist’s messy personal life. And what if your child starts to emulate her idol and play the hurtful-drama game herself?
Chances are you aren’t going to be too happy about this. I know I wouldn’t. So then it’s time (ironically) to not get dramatic over the dramatic and have a gentle discussion about idols and their behavior versus what we expect of her. She’ll roll her eyes, of course, but while teens LOVE to appear they aren’t listening to us and think we’re lame, they DO hear us.
Or so I’m told.
I don’t mean to pick on girls specifically, because the same thing happens with boys, too. In trying to find who they are, teens look to their idols to find the way, and try on their metaphorical shoes to see if they fit. But when those shoes rub in all the wrong places (aka, don’t fit with our family’s values), those painful social blisters of today can become the bunions of our future interactions.
And that my friends is how parenting becomes podiatry.
And yet another example of the ever-growing responsibility we have to our kids to keep guiding them down the path of life (preferably wearing cross-trainers).
Because darn it, our idols can disappoint us, a tough truth for kids to learn. Treating others badly, breaking the law or behaving unethically aren’t behaviors we want kids to emulate. So this is where the versatile shoes come in. We can still love that song, that alter-ego performance or record-breaking number of touchdown tosses, but still recognize that even those we elevate to unreasonable heights make some big mistakes. Mistakes we don’t want our kids to think are cool, or will earn them millions of IG followers, or lead to financial success.
We use personal values to guide where we place our admiration…with whom and within that whom. And we need to help our kids to do the same. So talk about those idols (yes, even those that make you flush with embarrassment). Share openly and honestly and your kids will hear your words. Life is complex because of the people in it. Help kids to navigate that challenge by embracing idols (and their actions) that reflect what you and your family value most.
As I reflect back on my idols through the years, there is definitely a musical thread that connects them all. (Who didn’t own the 45 of the theme song “Good ‘Ol Boys” by Waylon Jennings? Anyone? Anyone??) But the one that lasted was the one who kept putting good music out there (thanks, Bruce), and and also the one with whom values and viewpoints meshed (thanks, Dad and Mom). The same goes for Jimmy Carter, the ultimate badass.
Who were your childhood idols? Who are your idols today? Are your past and current idols connected in some way? Please comment below…
