The Kindness Series: No More Mr. Nice Guy, Be Kind Instead

Feb 19 2021

Teach kindness to kids by setting a good example.

“She’s nice.”

“Niiiiicccce!” says my son, ogling the Rolls Royce parallel-parked outside a downtown Boston McDonald’s. (Yup, really….)

Nice. (Sarcasm oozing, eyes rolling, when we witness someone else’s blunder.)

That was a kind thing to do!

Often we consider “nice” and “kind” to be interchangeable descriptors. But let’s try a quick experiment. Try replacing “kind” for “nice” in each of the first three statements above. “Kind” only works for the first, but not for the second or third. We would not describe an expensive car (or any other pricey, stylish object) as kind, or, at least in current vernacular, use the term kind sarcastically.

This little exercise suggests a difference between the meanings of nice and kind and this implication is supported by the dictionary.com definitions of each word:

Nice: pleasing; agreeable; delightful.

Kind: having, showing or proceeding from benevolence.

NICE! (Take that as you wish.)

The Ethical Debate

Kelly Shi, of the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics at Santa Clara University, presents an ethical perspective on being nice versus being kind. According to the dictionary.com definition above, kindness is motivated by the wish to do good. That desire is likely based in a moral framework, as in volunteering to help the less fortunate or the sick and suffering. Nice, on the other hand, encompasses a broader range of circumstances; something “pleasing” or “agreeable” or “delightful” can be moral, but it also can be amoral. (which, whether we want to admit it or not, we all have experienced…). So, Shi questions, does that mean (also based on the above definitions) that being kind only applies to the moral kind (pun intended) of nice? And furthermore, does that mean something can be nice without being kind and that something can be kind without being nice?

Whoa. What now?

Normally when we are describing a hands-down good thing, as shown by the Masked Man from last week’s post, who stepped aside to allow my daughter and me to exit the store before he entered, we tend to use “nice” and “kind” interchangeably. And both descriptions work in this instance, because his consideration was “pleasing” to us, and also benevolent: allowing us the convenience of leaving the building without the uncomfortable shuffle-step around a stranger. So “nice” and “kind” can and do go together.

But not always.

As Shi goes on to say, whether an action is nice or kind depends on motivation…why someone is putting forth the favorable effort.

A few years ago, an aquaintance from college called me, out-of-the-blue. I literally hadn’t talked with her since sometime during our coed years. She spoke with full-on familiarity and wanted to catch up. When I mentioned to her a book project I was researching, she excitedly told me about someone she knew who could help me. I thought, surprise phone call aside, her exuberance for helping me seemed…strange. Too nice. Too kind. And my discomfort was confirmed later when she asked me to make a purchase from her multi-level-marketing biz.

Whether a gesture is nice or kind depends on the expectations of the giver. “Nice” leans toward the superficial, easily offered type of gesture that usually requires something in return…whether that be a hearty “thank you” or recognition or a commission. Kindness extends from a desire to be of selfless service: simply to be of help, to unburden another of inconvenience, stress or difficulty, without the expectation of reciprocity. My friend above was being nice…handing out an offer that required very little time and effort on her part but giving her an “in” that would result in my repaying her.

But niceness can be, well, nice. My college acquaintance certainly didn’t have to offer to connect me with a potential resource, and it felt good to have that possibility on the table. So at the time, her gesture was a feel-good moment…for both of us. However, the nice ends there. That warm-fuzzy feeling is temporary. And getting it back? Herein the danger lies.

The addiction of nice

Being nice is like using a recreational drug; it’s a temporary feel-good “hit” for the giver but the high doesn’t last. To regain that superficial feeling, nice people become repeat nice-offenders, addicted to that flash-in-the-pan toke of feel-good (instead of do-good). These people become chronic nice-users. And that repeated nice-abuse doesn’t earn them deep, trusting relationships…just an empty jolt of topical satisfaction. Because their gestures only touch the surface of positive human interaction, and lack the vulnerability and empathy that meaningful relationships share, nice-users find themselves isolated, protected only by the shiny veneer of “nice” gestures that creates a barrier to forming meaningful reality-based connections with others.

A world of all-nice with the right appearances and words seems a utopia on first glance (and on social media). But to really get in with humanity, be kind instead. Avoid escaping into the false, addictive world of nice. Yes, the real world is tough and carries lots of baggage. But heavy loads don’t get shouldered when you toke on nice because nice doesn’t recognize tough. To form real human connections we must take the bad with the good, embrace the vulnerability within ourselves and others and face adversity as often as we celebrate success. In other words, crush the thin layer of nice with a cart of kindness, bearing another’s load in honest, heartfelt and selfless ways.

Kindness means to be benevolent, towards others and yourself

It is said there are no unselfish acts. If I remember right, this was even debated on an episode of the tv show Friends. It sounds cynical to say it, but I think that it’s true: there may be no unselfish acts, even when we act out of a desire to do good and be truly kind. Because kindness is not only an act of benevolence toward others, it is an act of self-improvement, mental well-being….self-benevolence if you will. One of the best paths to personal happiness is being kind, offering yourself in the service of others. Taking the time and effort to do something for a friend or neighbor, your community, or for an even broader cause, is kindness for everyone involved, the receivers and for the giver alike. The effort without expectation of reimbursement or praise or recognition is not only how to be truly kind but to find true, unadulterated happiness. And happy people have ability to breed more kindness, which maintains happiness, which…becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.

It’s harder to be kind than to be nice. It takes more time and effort but the benefits are huge. And we shouldn’t shy away from the challenge. Because it is the hard things that are worth doing.

And just for fun: