Hate is Not the Way: Don’t Pass it On

I’m sitting on our patio overlooking a tree-lined canyon. The hummingbirds dive at my red-headed husband. The ground squirrels peer suspiciously at our dog, passed out in the shade of a Ponderosa pine. And it’s still, so very quiet. Peaceful.

And the guilt washes over me.

My family is safe, ensconced in our little tiny bit of southwest Colorado real estate. No death, no protests, no destruction. No illness. But not no worries.

Facebook has been ablaze for seemingly forever. And of late, the flames get fanned on a minute-by-minute basis. There’s always a cause to defend, there’s always someone to offend, and often both come within a singular post. Recently I commented on why peaceful protests were replaced by destructive riots and an angry person I grew up with decided that meant I endorsed violence. He grew even angrier when I wouldn’t admit to his accusations. Why would I? I don’t condone violence, I just paid attention in history class. Stating violence is happening doesn’t endorse it. Stating there’s a reason for the violence doesn’t endorse it. And ’round we went.

Coming away from that argument left me feeling icky. I realize his provocations weren’t so much about me but about his own feelings, fears and beliefs. But it made me sad nonetheless.

Many have stated and many agree this recent rash of looting and violence is a symptom of a much larger, pervasive, and ignored, problem triggered yet again by the senseless death of an African American citizen. As John F. Kennedy put so eloquently in 1962: “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” And these same individuals agree that

we have GOT to do better.

It starts with us and how we raise our children. The next generation is already at an immense disadvantage, exacerbated by a pandemic. The seeds of frustration have already been planted. They see unemployed parents, angry adults, police brutality and arson and looting, on top of their own disappointments and isolation. These are the visions they will take into adulthood, visions that lend a backdrop for how they see the world and lead their lives. Which is why

We have got to do better. NOW.

I haven’t read the book yet, as our copy is buried somewhere in my son’s room. But the movie by the same title, The Hate U Give, is, to say the very least, moving. It is powerful throughout, but the ending will make your solar plexus ache for days.

How we as parents behave, and what we talk about when we think our kids aren’t listening, has an impact. I hear it in my own words and in how my kids talk later. I may fully believe everything I say when I talk to their dad, know in my heart it’s in step with my values and morals, but any and all of it can be expressed in a voice of disappointment, anger and disagreement, and yes, even hate. And when those words are reflected back at me by my vocal and highly moral son, I hear myself in him. My frustrations, my anger, echoed back at me. This is what I sound like, minus the testosterone. And I don’t like it.

I hadn’t thought about it before. How can Hey, let’s just try being kind to each other be given in a voice of hatred? It can. Tone matters. Hate for the haters is still hate. And we can easily pass along that hate to our kids.

I know I can do better. It not only matters that we share our values with our kids, but it matters even more how we share them, and that way needs to be with thoughtful action and compassion and dignity.

The Hate U Give is incredible. It addresses some prescient issues and the story’s powerful message is one to live by.