The Book Every Parent Needs to Read

I was soooo ready to take the reins on this. When we got word that our school district was going to start remote schooling in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, I went about setting up a schedule for my kids to follow while they homeschooled. They needed structure. They needed to do their chores. They needed free time. They needed things laid out neatly so they could do school as best as they could.

But what they really needed was for me to get out of the way.

Wow, was this a tough realization for me to swallow. I had homeschooled all three of our kids a few years ago, so I reflexively went into into my version of teacher-mode upon hearing the words “remote schooling” (aka homeschooling for the coronavirus age). But when my three were homeschooled, they were 11- and 9-years-old. Now they were teenagers who bristled at any perceived or actual parental meddling, no matter how small the suggestion may be. If I nudged, they would shove back, and any attempt I made at making up a hard-and-fast schooling agenda would result in disaster.

My kids needed to figure out their own rhythm: their own strategies for getting the school work done and remembering when their zoom meetings were scheduled.

So, not without reservation and mild panic, I stepped back. And reminded myself to breathe.

One of the books I managed to nab from the library before it closed its doors to COVID-19 was The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey, a middle school ELA and Latin teacher. The front cover sums up the book best. Just beneath the title, and an image of a pencil snapped in half, are the words:

How the best parents learn to let go so their children can succeed.

“Best parents” and “children…succeed” jump out right away. The pride we feel when our kids do something well is unmatched, and let’s face it, it doesn’t reflect badly on us, either. But it’s what comes in between those highly desirable terms that is intriguing: learn to let go.

In this book, Ms. Lahey describes in easily-flowing words that what parents need to do is give our kids some space, maybe lots of it, to fail. Yes, to fall on their faces and learn from mistakes and wrongdoings without us jumping in to save them from the awful f-word, failure…and the unpleasant consequences. In short she says, and I paraphrase, let them screw up. Let them fail that quiz (or class!) and figure out on their own how to do better next time. Let them bake cookies and forget the sugar. Let them struggle with the instructions to their new lego set and figure out the step they missed. It’s hard to watch our kids struggle and fail, we want to protect them from the hard feelings of frustration and disappointment, but here’s what the author says we as parents need to aim for:

Given that the self-esteem movement is a failure, and doing what feels good has fostered a generation of narcissistic, self-indulgent children unwilling to take risks or cope with consequences, what will work?

…Parenting for autonomy. Parenting for independence and a sense of self, born out of real competence, not misguided confidence. Parenting for resilience in the face of mistakes and failures. Parenting for what is right and good in the final tally, not for what feels right and good in the moment. Parenting for tomorrow, not just for today.

Whoa. And this is just page 17. Ms. Lahey goes on later to describe why money for good grades doesn’t pay, gives advice on how to help kids cope with their mistakes (and learn from them), and guides parents on how to effectively assist with homework. She then provides advice on positive partnering with teachers and even disparages the current system of assessing students’ progress with grades.

This book is a true gem and a great resource for any parent who wants to raise competent, independent and resilient kids. Not that taking Ms. Lahey’s seasoned advice will be easy, but the author describes the process in a very readable manner. We are all overwhelmed with responsibility right now, and a book that is an easy read and helps us parent more effectively is a true gem in these trying times. This book is truly a worthwhile game-changer in how we parent our children and after returning it to our library I’ll be purchasing it for my own bookshelf.