Gratitude: a Stone’s Throw From Disappointment

John Oliver gets it. On March 16th he invited us to join him in a primal scream of sorts. In front of a white screen, during the first taping of his show Last Week Tonight while in isolation, he gives us permission to vent (it happens at about minute 18:00):

Get it out. Really get. it. out. We all have had to give up something, and been disappointed or frustrated, by the new reality thrust upon us by the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s totally ok to feel this way.

But we can’t let these feelings consume us. Or our fear. It’s toxic for ourselves, for our “quarantine cohorts” and for our social media followers. Our frustration is detrimental to our mental state and our physical well-being, too, at a time when we need to be at our best for work, our families and our communities.

So how can we let the disappointment go and move ahead?

My mom always knew what to do when I was a kid pouring the pity on myself for something: she often reminded me of how good I really did have it. Oh, how I hated when she played the middle-class nirvana card. I fumed at having my sorrow squelched, but her comments did hit home.

We often focus on there’s always someone out there who has it better. But, as we are all just human, and a behavioral stone’s throw away from our caveman comrades, it takes an extra leap to mull over the converse truth:

There’s always someone who is worse off than we are.

And we are the ones who have it better. It’s almost always easier to lament our own situation than it is to recognize the plight of others. But when we make the effort to find gratitude in what we have we pave the way for compassion toward others less fortunate.

I’ll go first.

Our family had to cancel three trips (but who’s counting?) because of COVID-19. This was going to be a banner travel year for the family Black. Travel is one of our passions and my husband and I couldn’t wait to share more big adventures with our kids before, in a few short years, they graduate high school. But the travel will have to wait. It may not happen next year. It may not happen at all.

It’s a real bummer. But I can’t let the disappointment take over. I have stuff to do. I can’t waste energy placing blame. So here’s how convinced myself to move ahead (the gratitude part):

I reminded myself how lucky we are to afford to travel. Honestly, I’m embarrassed to admit we had three adventures planned well before the end of the year. It feels too indulgent. We are so fortunate that my husband’s work allows him to take frequent, extended time away to be with his family.

And here’s the clencher (the compassion part):

There are people for whom a trip four hours down the road is out-of-reach. I know some of those people. There are people who can never travel, even if they want to, because of work and home responsibilities, like the hard-working, ever-important farming community. In short: my family is really fortunate, and we shouldn’t take our freedom to travel big for granted.

Shifting my mindset to one of gratitude makes frustrations much more bearable. I’m grateful we get to show our kids an amazing, diverse world. And I’m grateful for those who devote their entire lives to making the world a better nourished place.

Some suggestions that may help you lead you toward gratitude in times of frustration:

If you are sick of the chronic bad hair days, think of those undergoing cancer treatment who would give anything to have hair to cut.

If you are craving your favorite Mexican food or a seasonal microbrew (I really want a Carver’s breakfast burrito right now…) but can’t because of stay-at-home orders, think how those employees are out-of-work.

If you are working remotely, and juggling career responsibilities with navigating the challenge of home school, simply be grateful for income and your family. (By the way, those of you steeped in this crazy balancing act, I salute you. You friggin’ rock.)

And speaking of family. They can drive us nuts-O even on normal days. But this stopped me dead in my tracks. My grandmother is in a nursing home, and until recently she didn’t even have a phone. She is totally isolated from her family, even though my aunt lives nearby. When my other aunt passed away from cancer, my grandmother received the sad news via Skype because the nursing home is on lockdown. Heartache doesn’t begin to describe how unfair this all is but when my aunt said:

She (Grandma) hasn’t even had a hug since R died…

My knees got weak then, and they still do now when I think of this.

So I love up my teens even when they drive me crazy, so grateful I have them as my “quarantine cohort.” Some people don’t have those family member surrounding them.

And for all of us stuck at home, some of us not even able to go outside…this is rough. There’s now other way to explain it. You know, I really wanna go to Target. But it’s 45-minutes away in a county ravaged by COVID-19. So there’s no justifying a road trip, even though Target has the essentials (forget the TP, we need facial tissue!) Even though we are itching to get out of the house, what about those who have no choice? Healthcare workers and grocery store employees can’t work remotely. Everyday they go to work and risk getting ill to make sure the rest of us are cared for when we need them. And they do this every. day. It is at the forefront of their every thought and action. Target can wait.

It’s challenging to shift our mindset but it’s worthwhile work. I love the response of Tom Hank’s Jim Lovell in the movie Apollo 13, when an argument breaks out between his comrades. Lovell points out that arguing won’t get them anywhere, as they will still end up in the same place, with the same problem. And he’s so right. Venting is one thing, and feels really good (ask John Oliver) but we can’t let our frustrations consume us. When we turn that disappointment on its ear and seek the good in our station, we become grateful and compassionate.

As always, stay safe and healthy.