Fear: How to Cope and Help Our Kids Do the Same

May 04 2020

News flash: I sometimes post my opinions on social media. I even post my frustrations.

Recently a friend from high school messaged me how angry she was at one of my Facebook posts. Her ire spread from that particular opinion, to one of my “likes” and from there to how much she despised my exercise regiment and shoe choice and everything in between. It was a stunning tirade that soon revealed the fuel behind it:

Fear.

Fear of COVID-19. Fear of being unprepared. Fear that she wouldn’t be able to get toilet paper. Pure fear drove her anger, and it drove a wedge the heft of Thor’s hammer between the two of us.

Fear is ever-present. And during the COVID-19 pandemic our daily fears are amplified, new fears have arisen, and the granddaddy fear of them all, that of the unknown, is pervasive. We won’t know what we don’t know until it reveals itself, whether reopening our communities was the right or wrong choice, whether our jobs will still be there, whether we will get sick or not. Waiting out our fears is a tireless task, one that sucks the happiness and life right out of, well, everything.

In full disclosure, you CAN still scare me…

We have our cavemen ancestors to thank for the fear physiology that persists with us modern-day humans: the “ramping up” of our bodies in preparation for the “fight or flight” response to stress. Only cavemen used this Assault of the Hormones on the nervous system and adrenal glands to fend off physical threats. Today, we find our heart and breathing rates increasing in response to more sedentary circumstances, like our thoughts and worries about illness and job loss and isolation.

It has been said over and over again that we must face what vexes us, and that not only includes our problems, but the worst problems of all….our fears. And what better time than right now, when we are stuck at home, relatively alone with our thoughts and worries and the stress of life knocking us over the head every second. Fear can cause us to act rashly, despite the social distancing, and can cost us the support we need, just like my friend who chose to verbally abuse instead of asking for an ear. So what are some tools to help us face and cope with fear? I’m not going to refer to phobias but many of the same strategies below will work for those as well.

We may have inherited the caveman’s fear mechanism, but we also have a great capability to consider our fears, learn from them, and overcome them. Here’s how:

Hello, fear, how are you today? Exposure therapy, in small increments, is the cornerstone to beating back our fears. Getting to know that which bothers us, and doing so in a safe place (which right now means at home, and with or without a therapist), will give us the ammunition to cope in a more productive way. Afterwards, take time to do something you enjoy as a reward for your difficult journey, and working that puzzle or taking that walk in fresh spring air will help refocus your thoughts toward the positive.

Write all about it. Take time to journal about your fears. Ask yourself what your fear can teach you, and jot down your thoughts. You may thank your fear for motivating you to exercise more to get healthy, or to take that (online) class to improve your resume. In other words, when fears are handled in a constructive way, we can find a way to banish them from our lives.

As always, be kind. To yourself and definitely towards others. We all need a kind word, especially these days when we are hankering for real human interaction. It will totally brighten your day (and hers) when you complement your neighbor on the cherry blossom-ed plant she is putting in her landscaping. Or if you commiserate with him over the challenges of homeschooling. And it will take both your minds off the fears lurking in our thoughts.

So what about our kids? Kids are facing a weird, highly disappointing time as well. They are robbed of face-to-face peer interaction, their educations and graduation and prom. And they don’t want to get sick, either. They hear fear and statistics and suggestions to drink disinfectant. And then they hear their ever-present parents (ugh) talk constantly about COVID-19 and how right or wrong or unconscionable any given politician or expert is on the topic.

Kids are fearful, too. Studies show that arming kids with coping strategies now will help them cope with stressors in the future. So:

We get to go first. Just as a virus is contagious, so are fear and anxiety. Both are passed along genetically, and both can be mirrored back to us by our impressionable kids. Kids notice how we adults cope (or don’t) with our fear. If we cope well, kids will want to do the same. If we don’t, neither will they. So put on that oxygen mask first before helping the kids.

Be honest and open. Talk with your children about what scares you. Talk about what scares them. Don’t limit your discussion to COVID-19. Unrelated fears can be amplified during this difficult time. Put it all out on the dinner table and listen empathetically.

Strategize, imagine, read. Make a list of fear extinguishers with your kids. So when fear starts to rear its ugly head, both you and your children have a way to belay the stress. Breathe. Choose a reassuring mantra to repeat such as It will be ok… . Read a book together. Have a dance party. Don’t turn to devices for solace. In fact, encourage kids to limit screen time…a prime source for scary and fear-inducing material.

But, of course. Nothing quashes a fear like exposure. (see above) Approach the fear in small doses, then praise your child for the success of facing it. Remember, complete avoidance of the fear validates it and coping cannot happen.

There is an important distinction: fear as a signal to be cautious, and fear as an obstacle. The first promotes survival, and the second keeps us from living. Avoidance of the former can be fatal; avoiding the latter validates our fears and keeps us from reaching our potential, or at the very least finding solutions to our problems. But facing these fears develops our own resilience in the face of change and crisis. We become more confident in being able to cope with unforeseen circumstances outside our control.

And we can pass the same resilience and confidence on to our kids.