First there was Bad Santa. Then there’s Teens hating on Santa

SPOILER ALERT:  This post contains teenage cynicism about Santa Claus.  True believers should not read what is printed below.

How bad can Santa be? He’s holding Paddington on his                          lap.

Now then.  My husband and I indulge in the movie Badder Santa every December.  In fact, we own the DVD in all it’s raging, inappropriate glory.  And we laugh at it all.  To preserve a little dignity, we each drop a quarter in a jar every time an f-bomb is dropped and donate that amount to charity.  (Note to the Bad Santa-uninitiated:  the sum we have collected by the time the credits roll is pretty impressive.)

Given that this movie crosses the line in many, many ways, no one should view Bad Santa (or the Badder version) before the age of 30.  And when you do see it, you’ll never look at a mall Santa the same way ever again.  However, if you live with teenagers you probably have borne witness to a scary perspective of the Big Man in the Red Suit.  Billy Bob Thornton, meet your match:  

I mean, look how kind he is. And the little girl seems to adore him.

The Teenage Take on Santa Claus:

1) He enslaves elves.  Elves endure long hours in Santa’s Toy Sweatshop, year round.  Like Santa is a stature-racist-slave-driver.
2) He mistreats reindeer.  Harnessing wild animals and forcing them to fly around the world in 24 hours?  PETA should be having a fit.
3) Santa is a stalker.  He knows if you’ve been bad or good? He knows if you’re asleep or awake??  That’s just creepy, watching kids’ every move.  Santa should be on some kind of alert list.
4) Stranger Danger?  Santa is a stranger.  His facial features are all but fully obscured by his long white beard, wire-rimmed specs and big floofy hat.  He adores children, puts them on his lap, asks to hear deeply personal Christmas wishes and then offers up candy canes.  This is totally messed up.
5) His nose is always red.  It scares me that my kids know ” a nose like a cherry” is a sign of alcoholism.  
6) Santa is an adulterer.  He kisses Mommy.  Creep.

And last, but certainly not least:

7)  Santa and his jolly “Ho-Ho-Ho”‘s.  This needs no explanation.

Ok, he does look a little, well, drunk. He must have stole the shepherd’s staff to keep upright.

So Santa, just fly over our house on Christmas Eve.  My kids are teenage night owls and they are out to get you.