Show Kids You Care: Become Their Advocate

“I have to go, I have to go, I HAVE TO GO!”

She danced a desperate jig as she made her way to the back of the line.

I leaned in and whispered.

“Is it number one or number two?”

“TWO!”

“Ok, everyone, let “M” to the front of the line!!!”

Crisis averted.

Problems with a mean kid, struggles in math class, number one or number two, there are many situations where a kid needs an advocate. But what does that mean, exactly? According to Google dictionary, an advocate (noun) is:

a person, such as a protector or proponent, who publicly supports or recommends a particular cause or policy

To advocate (verb) means:

to publicly stand up for, champion, recommend or support.

Beginning with my boys’ fifth grade year, the rhetoric was often. In 6th grade kids will need to advocate for themselves, so they need to start doing so now.

Ok?

So let’s talk self-advocacy for a moment. DIY. How many adults, let alone kids, find it natural and not-at-all-intimidating to approach an authority figure like a boss (about that raise..), a doctor (about that weird thing in a weird place…) or a teacher (about learning differences and accommodations…)? Yeah. And when you’re talking adolescents, who think adults are total duds…well, engaging in self-advocacy is not as easy as those 5th grade teachers make it sound. At least not in any productive way. Self-advocacy ends up being rebellion, apathy and sometimes worse.

And it’s not like schools are teaching kids how to stand up for themselves.

Which brings us back to adults advocating for kids. Becoming a grown up doesn’t automatically endow us with the ability to advocate (much less teach it…thus the absence of Advocacy 101 as a class choice…). Because apparently it’s not as easy as calling up a teacher, setting up a meeting, and asking for help for a child at said meeting. I’ll never forget the weird look I got from my son’s teacher when I asked her to grade his homework (yes, really), or the sharp email I received from my daughter’s math teacher when I told her my daughter insisted she turned in the missing homework…so I must be advocating “wrong.” (Never had that class…) And if I’m doing it wrong, my kids won’t learn to self-advocate effectively. So how do I learn how to advocate and help them do the same?

Grab Google, or happen upon the right book.

When I read Deborah Reber’s Differently Wired:  Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World I learned that advocating for a child is an art. Reber wouldn’t have devoted an entire section of her book to the topic of advocacy if it weren’t a skill to be practiced and learned. Obviously, the ability to advocate well is not innate and we adults need guidance so we can walk the walk before we talk the talk of self-advocacy with the our kids.

So how do we get started?

Much of what I found on learning to advocate came from Deborah Reber’s book, as well as online from sites for parents of kids with special needs or learning differences who regularly meet with school faculty. But this advice holds true when advocating for kids in any setting, whether in sports, on the playground, or even outside a public restroom:

• Mindset. Remember, it is your right and your place to speak up.
• Know your “why.” What is your goal for your child? What do you want to see happen? Know your goal before you, as I like to say, rattle some cages.
• Know your stuff. Stats. The results from relevant research. Documentation from doctor/psychologist visits. Collect whatever helps you make your case, and bring copies with you to meetings.
• Know your child. Know her strengths and weaknesses, what works and what doesn’t in challenging situations. Relate all of this to her teachers, coaches, and others who interact with her.
• Keep your tribe on speed dial. Call to action those who support you and your child, whether it be for a formal meeting or to share over a glass of wine.
• Be meticulous and persistent. Keep complete records. Follow up, follow up, and follow up some more.
• Know yourself. What are your own strengths and weaknesses? Play up the former and manage the latter. One strength we all share is we love our kids. For me, a weakness is answering a phone call I’m not prepared (emotionally or mentally) to take. My solution? Sending calls to voicemail so I can listen to the request and get a response ready without the pressure of a real-time conversation.
• Stay calm. Have some diplomatic verbiage “written on your palm” to use in meetings. For example: Perhaps I misunderstood… or How can we work together to make this happen? Take a wingman (or woman) and a written agenda with you to meetings so you stay on topic. Remember: It’s ok to voice disagreement with the school, a coach, etc. You are on equal footing when it comes to your child.

My husband and I learned a lot about advocating for our kids when our son was assaulted at school. It was initiation by fire and our experience will go a long way in helping us to support our family in the future when problems arise. Read about our advocacy journey here.

Next week’s post: How to help your child self-advocate.

Want more? Note that the resources listed below speak in particular to individuals and the families of those with mental struggles and learning differences, but the information within works for anyone wanting to learn the skills of advocacy and self-advocacy:

Reber, Deborah. (2018) Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. New York City, New York: Workman Publishing Company.

www.mentalhelp.net/articles/being-an-effective-self-advocate/

www.understood.org/en/school-learning/partnering-with-childs-school/working-with-childs-teacher/10-ways-to-be-an-effective-advocate-for-your-child-at-school