If Your Child is Bullied: What Our Family Learned That May Help You

My sister-in-law looked thoughtful and then said, quietly:

This was more than bullying, Heidi.

She’s right. Her nephew, my son, was choked and “knifed” at school in a premeditated assault. I had used “bullied” when telling her what happened, because our family’s experience, while extreme, still brings us into the fold of families whose children have been traumatized by another, whether by name-calling or knifing. It’s all bullying…the intent to “seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce someone perceived as vulnerable.” While our stories vary, what parents can do is all pretty much the same. Since our family’s personal experience involved the school, I refer to the school several times in what follows. But knowing that circumstances of bullying look as different as there are bullying tactics, substitute for “school” as it applies best to your situation.

What our family learned that could help yours if your child is bullied/assaulted/attacked at school (or somewhere else).

• Keep written records. I could have done a much better job of documenting phone conversations, of which there were many. However, on a few occasions I did establish a paper trail to drive our family’s position home. I sent emails to the principal and other involved faculty to “follow up on our phone conversation of (insert date and time)” to make sure we were all “on the same page.” Feel free to use this same verbiage (you want to maintain good relations, not sound mistrustful…even if you are). Then photocopy all emails and file with other written correspondence. Screen-shot and print voicemail dictations (see below for more on this) and consider keeping a journal of all other communications. These details and their timeline could prove valuable should you end up in court.
• Take photographs. Document and file all signs of injury and be sure to include your child’s face or profile in at least some of the photos. Provide both hard- and virtual copies to the school. And be sure to retain copies of all healthcare bills should you need to seek medical attention for your child.
• Be persistent. Follow up, follow up and follow up some more. Make a plan to reach out again to the school, counselor, police officer, etc., at the end of each conversation (I’ll give you a call next Monday to see how things are going…) so those you are working know they will hear from you. Planning a follow up call puts pressure on them to follow through and commits you to a set schedule. In the same vein,
• Insist on face-to-face meetings. Nothing gets things moving like asking for a sit-down with school faculty, especially when you get the authorities involved in the meeting. Make notes, verbally repeat back any plans made, and set a date and time for future follow up.
• Block on social media. Apparently, our son’s attacker had been following our son on Instagram, an accepted follow that happened long before the boy attacked our son. When the attacker commented on one of my son’s posts, my son immediately showed me and I had him block the kid. When the boy put in a second follow request on my son’s photography page, we blocked him again. In a time when number of followers is akin to a popularity contest, it is difficult to keep track of who is following who and painful for kids to “unfriend.” Still search your child’s friends and followers for the victimizer(s) and block him or her. This is non-negotiable.
• Be noncommittal. Your child is the victim. Your family, the plaintiffs. You get to be persistent in pursuing justice and noncommittal in giving ground or in agreeing to anything. Soon after we reported our son’s assault to the school, the school principal asked if at some point I would be interested in meeting with the attacker’s family (read: engage in the restorative justice process). I said “we’ll think about it.” I didn’t know much about restorative justice at that point or where our journey would take us, so my gut told me to be noncommittal. Even though the principal put the pressure on to turn my “maybe” into a “yes,” I was still in the driver’s seat. But also don’t be afraid to:
• Just say NO. Your job is to advocate for your child. Your child trusts you to do that. You are not obligated to do the school, the bully’s family or any member of the school faculty any favors. If the request (like a conversation with the attacker’s family, as was asked of us) doesn’t help rectify the problem, you get to say no. Sometimes over and over and over again. Stand your ground.
• Let voicemail screen for you. Voicemail: not just for introverts or telephono-phobes. Voicemail gives you the chance to mull over the call and any requests therein, gathering your thoughts and, if you are like me, deal with anger and frustration before making contact. The last thing you want is to lose your cool (and therefore credibility) and be anything other than assured and confident in your position. Plus, if you have voicemail dictation on your phone, you have an automatic written record of the communication (which you can screen-shot and add to your paper trail…).
• Call 911 instead. When our son broke the news of his assault, we had a decision to make: email the school principal right away with photographs of our son’s injuries, or call 911. We decided on the former, thinking court would be a traumatizing experience for our son. But what a long time it took (four months) to get to what we hope is resolution. It was a stressful 16 weeks, even though court was not involved, with interference from the school. Holiday breaks and snow days delayed the process. Would calling 911 have brought a speedier conclusion? Perhaps. Would it have dictated help for the perpetrator? Maybe. Don’t hesitate to circumvent the school. I know if there is a next time, we won’t.
• And finally. Keep calm, cool and collected. This is so hard. Your child has been hurt…mentally, physically, academically. He is frightened for his safety and so are you. You are angry…at the attacker, the attacker’s family, the school…and hell hath no fury like a provoked Mama or Papa Bear. But keeping your cool when your child’s rights have been violated is an absolute must. Becoming emotional will only work against your family’s case. Remember, you are in control…your child and your family are the victims. You don’t have to agree to anything and certainly don’t have to within the space of a telephone call. Take your time. Decide carefully what your goals are in seeing that justice is served and move ahead accordingly.

When I became frustrated and wanted to give someone a piece of my mind, I could center myself by coming back to what we wanted for our son. And this bookmark from our local library says it perfectly: