Ways to Show Kids We Care: #130, Make Decisions Together

Decision making is crucial because the decisions your children make dictate the path that their lives take. They need to judge the risks and rewards of their decisions in the short run and the long term. ~Psychologist Jim Taylor, Ph.D.

The car shirt or the train shirt? Pasta or stir fry? Inside or out? (The last question uttered by moms the world over who are sick and tired of doors slamming and flies whizzing into the house.)

Fortunately, whether to involve our children in making decisions is one decision we as parents don’t have to make because the answer is do it, definitely do it. Dr. Taylor sums it up well just why the making of decisions is good for kids, and and we can’t involve them too early.

The process looks different depending on the child’s age and stage. Open-ended choices like What would you like for supper? will overwhelm a preschooler (or result in the response ice cream! every time) but the same question to a teenager can be answered more thoughtfully (although ice cream! may still come up, he’ll just know your answer to that…) Offering two appropriate choices…read: two choices that are ok with you…is the way to go with younger children.

I remember learning how to give kids two acceptable choices as a way to work through conflict. As in, you may use an inside voice or you may go to your room and be by yourself. Presenting a decision like this, even to budding teens (yes, I’ve had to say exactly this to my 12-year-old), can douse a fire pretty fast and prevent an argument. Again, just be sure the choices you give are acceptable to you, and realistic.

Kids need to feel heard. They need to feel their opinions matter. Especially tweens and teens. And involving them in family decision-making helps them learn to compromise and see advantages and disadvantages of the options before them. Three powerful words any adult can use when talking with this age group: What do you think? Giving teens a voice promotes self-worth and the confidence to speak up.

I think of a recent instance with my almost fourteen-year-old son. He had been diagnosed with influenza A and the physician assistant treating him recommended Tamiflu to shorten the course of his illness. So capsules or liquid? I let my son decide, after discussing the pros and cons of each. On one hand, he has a strong gag reflex and pills are hard for him to swallow, but these capsules are small so this would be a good opportunity to learn to take pills. On the other hand, liquid would be easier for him to take, but he’d have to take a lot of it given he’s a big kid and it may have a bad taste. After weighing the options, my son decided why not try? and went with the capsules. But he couldn’t swallow them. He tried and tried but no go. He said Well, I won’t do that again and a lesson was learned. Giving kids the chance to make decisions is a great learning experience for them.

Encouraging our kids to make decisions, and making decisions with them, is a great skill to practice at even the preschool age. We show our children love and respect by involving them and valuing their opinions. And we show we love them by helping them learn the important life skill of weighing the options and making thoughtful decisions. So

Want more? Take a look at this article on parentmap.com. Don’t have time to read the whole post? Scroll to the end and read the “6 tips for helping kids learn to make decisions.”