Crying: Just Let it Out

My daughter, sitting in the cramped airplane seat next to me, sobbed uncontrollably.  Even though these tears were triggered by disappointment (she desperately wanted that window seat so she could see London as we flew in),  they were really from travel exhaustion.  And from coming down with a cold.

My son didn’t want to go to his week-long boy scout camp; staying home to play video games seemed a lot more fun.  At least that’s what I thought his protests were telling his dad and me.  When we arrived to drop him off at the rendezvous point, the floodgates opened.  He rarely cries, but when his heavy sobs came I knew his grumblings weren’t about sleeping in and playing Roblox; our son was already homesick and a week away from home seemed pretty scary.

Since I became a mom, I’ve gone under an emotional renovation when it comes to a crying child:  instead of feeling annoyed, I feel hard cold fear and anxiety.  My psyche has been rewired.  I must do something to help sooth and quell.  But just because I feel differently doesn’t mean I respond well.  Because here’s what I say when my kiddos cry:

It’s ok….

Sh.  Sh, ssshhhhh.

Sitting on a 787 for nine hours gives one lots of time to think and observe (and play endless games of electronic solitaire).  Or to observe then think.  There were a bunch of babies on this flight and at some time or another, each gave her two cents worth about being held captive on an airplane (and most certainly protesting the injustice of not being able to play solitaire to pass the time).  There was crying but also wailing in sharp, desperate notes.  I honestly don’t blame the babes.  Traveling this way is tough, even tougher when you don’t get what’s going on.  And reflexively, in a confined space with no escape, each and every parent responded with a sharp, desperate note:

Shh!

It didn’t help.  Not once.  Now, I don’t blame the parents one bit.  You can’t walk very far.  There is no rocking chair or park swing.  You don’t want your child to annoy sleeping passengers.  But you’re kinda trapped.  And I felt so sorry for these families because there’s nothing much more that can be done at 30,000 feet but ineffectively shush your frustrated baby.

Maybe you can relate.  It’s ok and Shhh are verbal reflexes to the shedding of tears.  Both easily roll off the tongue and fill the void of anxiety when one of our children cries.  But what do those words really mean?  It’s ok sends the message there’s no need for your tears, everything’s going to be just fine.  Reassurance is important, but everything is not ok right now; children need help navigating their feelings, no matter what the future outcome may be (which, usually, is that everything will be fine).   And shhh…let’s face it, is all about us and whoever else is watching.  Because shhh says:  this is uncomfortable for me, or your crying is disturbing others, please stop.

So how often have It’s ok… and Shh! been on my lips when my kids have cried?  (Quite often.)  And have they helped?  (Nope.) How easy it is to let those words loose because my knee-jerk response to their tears is my own discomfort and frustration at their inconvenience and the timing shocked me into inability to help in any real way.

So I’ve undergone a second renovation when my kids cry, only this time the makeover is in the response department.  Because emotions are normal and not something to be ashamed of, and neither is the showing or sharing of them.  But kids won’t know that unless we teach them so.  Now I take the time to validate how they feel…..and give them permission to let the tears flow.

It’s ok to be sad/disappointed/afraid.

Just let it out…

It’s taken me years to not try to control my kids emotions.  As I write this I feel embarrassed at the admission.  But I know it’s true.  It shouldn’t stress me out that my kids get angry or sad or frustrated but it does.  Only recently have I realized that my kids feelings…and boy, as adolescents they have a lot of them…are a great opportunity to parent.  With the right response, I can teach my kids that emotions are totally ok, and also how to express themselves with dignity.