Excuse Me, Please, Should I Teach My Kids Not to Interrupt?
I spin it in a positive light: my kids interrupt because they want my husband’s and my attention. As my kids are 10 and nearly 12, I know this desire to share with us is limited. The problem is, it’s universally accepted that interrupting a conversation is rude. My kids know that, but they’re kids. Even though it can be exhausting to navigate, I’d rather my kids be verbal in their interruptions than be stealthy about it, as when they were toddlers. I remember one particular instance when I was pregnant with my daughter and my one-and-a-half-year old twins quietly climbed onto the dining room table while I was engaged in a phone conversation. The gleeful look on my younger son’s face when I turned around is indelible on my mind’s eye….oh, boy, here it comes…big reaction from Mommy (I’m so proud of myself…)!
But the Mom, Mom!’s or Dad, Dad!‘s or the regular “talking over’s” of kids with a repertoire of words is frustrating on a whole different level. Interrupting is considered poor form but when it comes to kids
Should we teach them not to interrupt?
When I first started researching this article, my intention was to find the best advice on how to help kids learn to appropriately break into a conversation. And I found what I was looking for, and it is pretty consistent across the board. However, there’s solid rationale, too, on letting kids break in at random to tell us something urgent. Urgent to them, that is. And kids live in a world where most things are just that. So what should parents do? Let’s look at both sides of the argument.
Let’s say our kids’ interruptions are driving us totally buggy. What can we do to curb their urge?
Actions speak louder than, ahem, words. I know (ironic) right? Anyway, it’s important to set an example. Kids mimic what they see. And if they see, in a high-energy family that talks over the ends of others’ sentences, or finishes them, kids will do the same. Since I’ve spent time writing this post I’ve notices my own conversational bad habits so am trying to turn it around by using Excuse Me more often and waiting for pauses in conversation to contribute my thoughts.
Never say “Never.” There are exceptions to every rule and teaching kids to not interrupt is no exception. Don’t tell kids Never interrupt because, however rare, emergencies do arise. The hamster may have escaped or someone may be bleeding. Help kids to understand when to interrupt you.
Sign language. Have a set of hand signals that you and your child can use. For example, if a child has something to say, she can give you a little wave. In return, instead of a verbal acknowledgement, you can hold her hand or hold up a finger to indicate “one minute” (only if that is accurate, though). Some swear by this method for stopping the interruptions for good, but more on this later.
Be prepared. Have a cupboard stocked with “conversation activities” for the times you plan to visit with a neighbor or make a call. When you pull out these special books or art projects explain that you will be on the phone or visiting with company and for how long you plan to be engaged in conversation.
Sibling rivalry. This is the biggest source of interruptions in our family. Everyone wants the floor and everyone else’s full attention. And with three kids in our family, you can imagine the utter chaos that ensues when conversations aren’t mediated in some way, especially when we have two more outgoing children and one who is “quieter” but desperately has a lot to share. So dinnertime becomes a great place to practice listening and take turns speaking.
Consistency counts. The golden rule of parenting. Whatever your plan for approaching interruptions, keep it simple, and follow it each time the need arises. We don’t often enough reward the quiet, appropriate behavior but often punish the noisy disruption. So make it a regular practice to praise kids for a job well done.
The above is solid, tried-and-true advice for teaching children to not interrupt. But here’s the thing: kids live in the moment…especially kids under the age of seven. Even older kids who are excited about that certain something have trouble with impulse control, they just gotta tell you. And preschoolers? They live in the moment. It’s hard for them to understand that even if Mom or Dad are engaged in conversation with another adult that the love for them is still ever-present. So the urge to interrupt is not only innate, but to children in this developmental stage your response as a parent is a barometer for how much you love your child. Wow. That is core-shaking.
Writer Kate Baltrotsky, in “Why I Let My Kids Interrupt My Conversations” (Huffington Post, 06-05-15) gives a compelling rationale for letting children break in to an adult back-and-forth: doing otherwise extinguishes the very enthusiasm we need to encourage. I know I’ve seen more than once:
Dad and I are discussing…something. My older son comes along, Lego creation in hand, and wants my attention. I say, “In a moment, honey, Dad and I are talking.” A few minutes (does that qualify as “a moment”? I’m not sure…) later, I ask my son, “Now, what is it you wanted to tell me?” And he responds, a disappointed look on his face, “Never mind.”
Never mind.
I don’t know which is worse, his words or the crestfallen look on his 11-year-old face. He’s disappointed. His moment of enthusiasm has passed and sharing is not as sweet when your balloon is deflated. If I had a dollar for every time I hear “I don’t remember,” I could buy ice cream to apology for how I’ve let my kids down in the listening department. It’s my balloon’s turn to lose its air. My kids feel bad. I feel guilty. They needed to tell me or show me something in their world and I put them off. Good manners are important, but so is my relationship with my kids and their feelings of pride and enthusiasm.
Baltrotsky goes on to say that, yes, it is distracting to have your child vying for your attention when you’re engaged in another conversation, but even more distracting? Temporarily quelling a child’s urge to break in with a hand on her back or holding her hand (as described above). I couldn’t agree more. The niggling in the back of my brain when I know I need to find, and soon, an appropriate moment to pause my own conversation and give my child some needed attention is really distracting. More so than giving my adult counterpart a polite excuse me and talking to my son or daughter. So Baltrotsky reminds parents that it only takes a moment to acknowledge our children’s desire for attention, so just go ahead and do it. Then kids won’t be afraid to come to you in case of an emergency, and will have their enthusiasm validated. Plus continued social interactions (and the example we set as adults) will help teach kids the cues they need to understand when and when not to interrupt. It just takes time.
So should we teach kids not to interrupt? It really depends on the child, the situation and parental choice. Both sides of the debate are compelling. Perhaps it takes a melding of both approaches to help kids learn those social cues regarding conversation. Parents have pressing discussions of their own, ones they can’t necessarily put off until the kids are in bed, and need the opportunity to have them. On the other hand, we can gauge other matters against the importance of our kids’ need to share (whether it’s their most recent Lego creation or if the hamster ran under the dresser and won’t come out. Been there on both occasions…more than once).
Two aspects of this debate help in striking a balance between allowing interruptions and not: communication and attention. So I communicate with my kids when I’m going to be on the phone (or otherwise visiting), for how long, and where I will be, saying Come get me if you need me. It leaves things wide open to a multitude of interruptions, but I’ve found with my older kids they just need to know the circumstances and that I am around and still available for help. Somehow, that knowledge seems to limit the interruptions. And when I regularly give my kids my undivided attention, I am less likely still to have those interruptions when I am engaged with another adult.
As long as we communicate and give attention with consistency, we can navigate interruptions in a way that shows our kids we love their enthusiasm but teach them social manners as well.
Sources for this post:
aneverydaystory.com/2014/07/07/how-to-teach-your-child-not-to-interrupt/
huffingtonpost.com/kate-baltrotsky-/why-i-let-my-kids-interrupt-my-conversations_b_7513908.html
mom.me/kids/4966-how-teach-kids-not-interrupt-during-conversation/
todaysparent.com/kids/preschool/teach-your-kids-to-stop-interrupting/
