How Can I Get My Kids to Clean Their Rooms?
I don’t get it. How did we miss this when we bought our house? More importantly, how did the home inspector miss it?
There are no floors in my kids’ bedrooms.
Ok, that’s not entirely true. One of my boys does have a bedroom floor…and it’s carpeted! However, his closet floor is lost beneath a teetering mountain of camping gear, books on pet care, and remote control cars. But my daughter and older son…nope, no floors. My daughter’s room is Party Central, and everything from clothes to dolls to crafts cavort in a happy, wild mix. It’s like her closet exploded and left mayhem in her room. She does pick up, but it’s an overwhelming task given the size and depth of the matter. Then there’s my oldest, creative and scattered, happy to leave everything everywhere. We often butt heads over his messiness, his Oscar to my Felix.
Simply put, and not surprising, there are two schools of thought on having kids’ clean their rooms: let it go or clean it up. Wouldn’t it just be easier to close the door and warble like Elsa in Frozen? If only I could actually sing this option may stand a chance. But I was a neatnik as a child (and still am) so there’s not a snowball’s chance I’m gonna ignore the eruption in my kids’ rooms. And research speaks to the importance of Saturday Morning Clean-Up:
- Kids who have household chores are less at risk for drug abuse. They have better grades and relationships.
- Tidying up teaches routine and responsibility.
- Learning to clean up at a young age (by age eight or nine kids should be able to clean their rooms independently) can prevent messiness from becoming a social and professional hurdle later in life.
- And speaking of careers, learning to clean up can lead to job-related success: advanced skill in interpersonal relations, money management and task prioritization.
Toilet scrubbing anyone???
Anthropology also gives parents fodder: our wandering ancestors required a clear view of their environment for the sake of safety, which supports our modern day view that clutter is stressful. An up-to-the-moment argument for order is that putting everything in its place (not on the floor, I’m guessing) allows us to see what’s important to us. Unfortunately, that means I actually need more clutter; my writing notes and scrapbooking supplies are neatly (0f course) stashed in drawers and files in unseen places. And this nouveau idea also backfires when it comes to my son. Everything…his origami, his legos…is in full line-of-sight.
Which confirms something I know about my son: everything he owns is important to him.
Which led to an epiphany after I read a nytimes.com article by Judy Batalion. Messiness and creativity go hand-in-hand; and cleaning up can actually be stressful to the child who’s inclined to toss their possessions about. Tidying up is just not in their wiring. It’s not resistance. It’s not defiance. It’s simply not who these kids are. Maybe you’ve seen in in your own child, because I’ve sure seen it in my son. He freaks out when I ask him to pick up enough legos so we can walk through the living room. And what’s worse, according to the nytimes.com article, forcing these kids to clean up can actually cause emotional stress and damage family relationships.
Oh boy.
But kids like my son (and also the neatnik) need help gaining some middle ground when it comes to cleaning up. The Oscar needs to learn a degree of regiment; the Felix, some flexibility.
And here’s how parents can help make that happen, whether you have the cast of The Odd Couple under your roof or a child who’s in between.
Start small. Or return to “small,” if cleaning the whole room is causing conflict. Have kids start with a limited project first, such as tidying under the bed or putting dirty clothes in the hamper. Hand them one task at a time and add new jobs once that task is mastered.
Set the example. We wear seatbelts so our kids follow suit. We keep our elbows off the table so (hopefully!) our kids do the same. If we show our kids our made beds and tidy personal spaces, they are more likely to be willingly participants in the Saturday Morning Clean Up.
Invoke “Safety First.” My trump card in the clean up game. High traffic areas, especially those leading to an outside door need to be clear of clutter in case of emergency. If friends with a toddler are coming to visit, small items must be picked up. My kids are less likely to protest when I repeat the “safety first” mantra.
Provide clear direction. Make a written list of exactly what needs to be done, step-by-step, in order to clean a bedroom. It’s also helpful to kids if at first we join in and show them what needs done. It’s easy to say, “Go clean your room,” because we adults know the process after years of experience. But kids won’t necessarily know this…and become angry and seem resistant. Take their behavior as an indication that they simply don’t know where to start. Pitch in at first, then when they have the routine down, head down the hall and clean up your own space, setting that good example.
Stick to your guns. Don’t give in and clean your child’s room for him if he doesn’t do it (or doesn’t do it to your standards). This one is tough for me, and the time I do shut the door. Giving in sends two messages: your authority means squat, and you also don’t have confidence in your child’s ability to handle responsibility. Stand firm.
The fun part. Let kids invest in their own space. Rearrange the furniture to their liking. Buy a cool chair or repaint the walls. If kids get to inject some personal style, they’ll be more invested in how they keep their rooms. And my son who loves his stuff? He really loves stuff to put his stuff in. Open organization, I call it. We go online, together, and find cool, colorful bins and trays for him to store his treasures. Not only does he still have a visual on his belongings, he knows exactly where to put things when it’s clean up time. (The only problem is, he keeps needing more and more storage…)
The exceptions. Aka: when it’s ok to put in the Frozen soundtrack. Teenagers (of course). They want their independence and one way they show it is to create a room tornado. In this case, do let it go. If you’ve taught them good cleaning habits, they will return after the teen-angst subsides. However, the exception to this exception (and this is for a child of any age, not just teens) is if the clutter is accompanied by significant mood changes, a withdrawal from friends and declining academic performance. In this case, seek out professional help for your child as she may be depressed.
Which leads to another exception in the clean room rule: don’t press the issue if you are working with your child on developing other good habits. Don’t overwhelm him with too much to work on at one time.
Creating a clean bedroom really goes beyond passing the white glove test. While order and a direct visual on the floor are great, kids learn responsibility and even balance (the extreme neatnik) and compromise (the scattered creator). Developing this habit can lead to better overall functioning at home and at school and greater social and career success as an adult.
Now, about those toilets…
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