When Parents Behave Badly

Go with your gut.

These four simple words guide me more often than not these days.  When I hear them in my head, I listen.  I never gave this advice much thought until a few months ago, when I read Valerie Gangas’ book, Enlightenment is Sexy, in which she talks about transforming her empty, rat-race life into a life of true fulfillment (and transcendental meditation).  One of her first pieces of advice was

Go with your gut.

Not that I feel I need a complete life makeover, but I decided to practice this particular mantra first before I took a meditation class (still on my to-do list).  And you know what?  This guidance has improved my decision-making and general well-being.  Decisions go to intuition and save me loads of stress and anxiety.

Because as a parent, we can find ourselves negotiating “he-said-she-said” conflicts, where the facts aren’t always facts but instead feelings and perceptions and we need a way to sort things out and make peace in as fair a way as possible.

My kids aren’t perfect.  My husband and I try our best to help them make good decisions and make amends for the bad.  We aren’t always successful with discipline, with theirs or with our own.  Adults misbehave, too…we are, after all, only human.  We need to make amends ourselves.  And try to do better next time.

My son is “at war” with a family in our neighborhood.  His personality is very black-and-white, and one small infraction can put someone on his blacklist pretty fast and he does not forget.  And he pursues.  No matter how much my husband and I coach and advise and give him very specific suggestions on how to take the high road, he is compelled to instigate a fight.  The kids in this family, like many kids, know a ticking bomb when they encounter one, and are very good at getting him to do something wrong.

Enter Mom’s gut check.

Recently, I received a visit from the mother in this family.  We had a productive talk about our kids’ behavior, what we each expect of them, and gave each other the go-ahead to tell the other when our kids trash talk or otherwise break the rules.  (It takes a village, right?)  My son was livid about my talk with her.  Really upset.  In fact, I had never seen him act so disrespectful in front of another parent.  He accused me of  “taking her side” against him which of course wasn’t at all the case.  I wanted to help him cope with his over-the-top obsessive anger before things really got out of hand.  It took a long talk for him to finally calm down and understand that she and I were both concerned about him, her kids and the neighborhood dynamic.

But something was up, my gut told me.  My son’s anger toward this family was at a fever pitch, especially as he was so awful to the mother…in front of me, no less.  He finally told me he was riding his bike past their house (which was just asking for trouble and he knew that) and the mother was, he said, “calling me names.”  What?  Really?  I didn’t tell him I was skeptical, as eye-witnesses failed to mention this.  I honestly felt his accusations were his defense mechanism against his own mistakes and anger.

But days, weeks, later my son stands by his story.  And I know when he is lying…he is terrible at it.  When he tells me in a calm yet desperate voice that something has happened, I pay attention.

Could it really be that this parent acted badly, too?  That she played it so well by appealing to me as a fellow in-the-trenches parent that I couldn’t possibly believe my son’s accusations of her wrongdoing?

Go with your gut.

I had to mull this one over for a while.  I knew my son had misbehaved.  I knew this mom was concerned enough to come knock on our door.  She seemed sincere.  But my son’s desperate attempt to make me understand her behavior as well made me think there was more to this story.  And I know my son…perceived transgressions by another are one thing…but actual ones???  He can go off the deep end.  Which he did.

Go with your gut.

The simplest explanation is usually the best one, so this is what I decided.  We all have our moments.  Yes, even moms who want everyone to get along and want to keep the peace do have lapses in judgement.  We lose it out of frustration, because we are at a loss for what to do next, because we are tired.  Because we don’t want to make the ultimate move and have a hard discussion with another parent about their misbehaving child.  We are only human.  We misbehave, too.

And maybe this mom did call my son names.  Maybe she got mad and lost control.  She is the mother of a tween, too, and she and I commiserated over the beginnings of our kids’ emotional turbulence.  We are entering a new stage of parenting and it’s scary.  I know I am not a picture of perfect emotional control, so I get it.  I lose it, not because I think it will solve the problem at hand, but because the solution to the problem at hand eludes me or is just hard to swallow.

Because if we moms don’t cut each other a break, we can’t work together.  We can’t help our kids ride out the tough years to come.  It not only takes a village to raise children, it takes a village to help parents do it right.

Go with your gut.