A Little Potty Talk

I completed a half marathon last weekend and this time,  I crossed the finish line under my own power (my first “half” didn’t go nearly as well…but that’s another story).  Along the way I was relieved to find a port-a-potty a) because I really had to go and this meant b) I was actually well-hydrated for this run through our high-altitude, arid climate.  After taking care of business, I was startled to see a man sitting by the side of the road near the portable stall.  I hadn’t seen him before so I felt a little creeped out, especially as we runners were spaced out enough that no one else was around.  Was this guy dangerous?  Nah…but still.  I was reminded that being in a public bathroom is just a vulnerable situation.

Especially for kids.

There’s been a lot of potty talk lately:  who can (or should) use which gender-labelled public restroom and the safety of our children because of gender identity.  As I read about the issue in our newspaper, in Time, and yes, even on Facebook to feel out  “grassroots” reactions, I felt the political and religious rhetoric was a distraction from a more important basic topic:  reinforcing with our kids the street smarts of public toileting.  General safety.  Not targeted vigilance.  Just down-to-earth, sensible safety.  Because despite the walled-off toilets and locks on the stalls’ doors, restrooms are still for public use, and we should approach safety here the same as in any other public place.

I remember my own mom talking with me about staying safe in public restrooms.  And that discussion has stuck with me.  I try to teach my kids the ins-and-outs (or is it 1’s and 2’s?…) of being aware in a place where we are mostly nose-down-do-our-thing-and-get out.  But have I fallen off the potty wagon more than I care to admit and said, “yeah, go ahead by yourself…you know where to find the rest of us when you’re done.”  But with summer comes travel and the inevitable pit stops in airport and gas station bathrooms, so it’s a good opportunity to pony up and reinforce safety and privacy in that familiar place in often unfamiliar settings.

1.  Use the “buddy system.”  My daughter took this rule quite literally once…she and a friend went into the same stall and they peed on the same toilet at the same time.  Efficient.  Gotta hand it to them.  But if we’re in a restaurant, for example, and my daughter has “to go,” I go with her…even if I don’t need to.  (I do use my own stall, however.)  And if her stall door doesn’t lock?  I just tell her to go in another with a secure door.  The casual suggestion sticks with her, and I don’t freak her out with a panicked, “Make sure your stall locks!!!!”  If she goes to a bathroom with a friend, I watch the time and go check on them if needed.  Oftentimes, they are playing at the sink or with the turbo hand dryers, or are actually preening.  Not that they have brushes or compacts or anything…it’s pretty hilarious.  Amusement aside, I act as killjoy and remind them they need to just need to pee and wash and come join the rest of us.
2. What about boys?  Mine are 11 and a family bathroom is out of the question at this age.   And many years have passed since I have brought them into the ladies’ with me, which, as a side note, is a decision that totally hinges on the boy’s maturity and mom’s gut instinct.  (A grumpy lady once scolded me for bringing my boys in at age five.  Sorry, but no way should my Kindergarteners be left to their own devices in the mens’ room…).  Fortunately, there are two of them…instant “buddies.”  So when we head into a gas station to use the restrooms, I have them meet me at an easily-identifiable spot in the building so we can regroup.  And I’ll often suggest to them they can use a stall for privacy and not have to pee beside a stranger.  And lock the door.  An idea foreign to my boys who can’t remember to just close the bathroom door at home, so I remind often.
3. Familiar haunt vs. a new situation.  This is a hard one.  It’s a judgement call.  I know if we go to restaurants or other venues we know well, and especially if they are not that busy, I’ll let my kids take themselves solo to the restroom.  I keep track of their absence and feel completely justified checking up on them (or sending my husband)…even opening the door to the mens’ and calling inside. Going too far?  Maybe.  But safety first.   If the locale is crowded or new, I justI stick to #1 and #2 above.
4. Game plan.  Who knows the odds our kids will ever be approached in a public restroom by someone with malicious intent.    I haven’t had this specific conversation with my kids yet.  I need to, because we just don’t know.  My husband and I have talked wth our kids about “stranger danger” in many other scenarios but not this one specifically.  And this is at least as important as the others, especially when kids may associate a restroom’s safety with that of the bathroom in their own home.  They don’t necessarily see the difference.   We have talked about having a buddy, ensuring privacy, and establishing a meeting place when using public restrooms.  But what if a stranger approaches?  Here’s what I have so far to include in our conversation:

A stranger (“peer” or adult) should never  “help” you in a public restroom.

Don’t give out personal information to someone in a public restroom (If someone asks, for example, “Hey, where are you headed?” when you are using a gas station bathroom, don’t answer.).

If someone approaches or touches you, do like we have talked about if you are approached anywhere else:  get limp like a rag doll and drop to the ground, fight and kick and scream.

If someone is making you feel uncomfortable in a public bathroom, come tell Dad or Mom or the adult you are with right away.

If you see another child, or an adult, in trouble in a restroom, leave and come tell a trusted adult immediately.

Safe and happy travels to you all this summer!