When a Loved One is Seriously Ill
This week’s post was supposed to be about how to help our kids learn to be more organized but that’s just not going to happen. Sometimes life takes us on a detour from from our best-laid plans.
As I switched gears on what to write this week, I realized it’s still about organization but in a different vein. The good news? It doesn’t require a visit to The Container Store. The bad news? It’s about bad news.
Sadly, it’s inevitable. But that’s the very reason we don’t want to think about a family member getting sick. As in: it’s going to happen someday so why dwell on it; we can worry about it when the news comes. Which seems the healthy mental thing to do, really. So of course we don’t think about receiving bad news, much less the painful task of telling our kids, or how to work through the new reality as a family.
But it never hurts to be a little prepared. Hearing the news that a grandparent, a beloved aunt or a family friend is ill comes as a shock. It’s difficult to collect our thoughts when our own emotions are running high. So having a plan on how to tell our kids seems like good sense. Fortunately, there’s a lot of info out there that can help with the process, but unfortunately, too, there’s a lot of info to filter through. So I pulled together info from some wonderful websites and pdf’s and hope it can help you as parents when you are faced with receiving and then giving bad news.
How to break the sad news.
No matter what age a child is, several things hold true when telling your child a family member is sick:
~Give yourself some time. Take a day to process the news yourself. Let it sink in so you can collect your thoughts…and get the information you need to best tell your child what is happening.
~Be honest, as in grandma may get better, but she may not. And also be honest about your feelings. It’s ok to show you are sad. It gives children the go-ahead to show their feelings, too.
~Keep it simple: avoid details of tests and medicines that kids will find confusing anyway. Stick to things like he’s in the hospital for a few days getting some medicine and if that goes well he will get to go home.
~Provide reassurance. Kids, especially younger children, will worry the illness is their fault. Reassure them their loved one’s illness wasn’t caused by anyone, isn’t their fault or the fault of their loved one, either. Let your kids know they will be cared for and loved as always, and so will their relative who is sick.
What to Expect After You’ve Told Your Kids.
~Questions. Kids of all ages often ask whether the illness is contagious. Simply be honest and reassuring. If an illness is contagious, explain how they and others (kids will especially be worried whether their parents could “catch it.”) will be safe. Kids may ask why someone is ill and if there is a good answer, provide it. But again, be sure to say they didn’t cause their relative to become ill, which can be the reason they are asking. Another question may be the duration of the illness. A good answer is to say that the doctors are doing their best to make him well, and we will have to wait to see if the medicine helps or not.
~Reactions. Children will react in many different ways, depending on their age, personality and other circumstances. Disbelief, anger and feelings of insecurity are common. Elementary-age kids may experience changes in their sleep and eating habits, as well as in their social interactions; some children may regress (thumb-sucking or bedwetting). Teenagers may rebel or take risks. Some kids may not react at all. And others may try to act beyond their years and want to be a caregiver (good to an extent; allow a child to help but not assume major responsibility). Be watchful, communicate and seek help if needed.
Keep in mind the four “C’s.” A lianalowenstein.com article outlines a straightforward approach to talking with your kids about illness:
Cause (reassure the child they didn’t cause the illness)
Catch (kids will ask if the illness is contagious, simply be honest)
Care (emphasize that your child’s routine will be as normal as possible, outline the plan for their care if parents need to help with their sick loved one)
Cope (what to do when sad feelings about their sick loved one take over)
What if the illness is terminal?
~All of the above applies, including the four “C’s.” As difficult as this can be, absolute honesty is key, with kids of all ages. Especially with younger children who are very concrete. For example, it seems a more gentle approach to say someone will “pass away” or “go to sleep” but experts all agree that family should say that a loved one is dying. Explain what that means: for example, explain the heart doesn’t beat and there is no breathing. Younger kids believe in magical thinking so may think that a person may return after dying, like they have been on a trip. Explain that can’t happen and that she won’t see the loved one anymore except in photographs, memories and stories. Encourage a dialogue with you and also with the loved one who is sick. Ask open-ended questions like How do you think I’m (Grandpa, Grandma) is doing now? or What do you notice about my being sick? Responses can offer insight into helping your child cope with any family illness, especially one that is terminal.
Over Time.
~Talk. It’s common to need to revisit the details of a loved one’s illness. Some kids need to hear the same information several times, and that is perfectly normal. Affirm with them it’s ok to feel sad or angry and give them permission to express their feelings. (Express yours as well.)
~Explain. Discuss the process in your loved one’s care if your child is old enough; older grade-schoolers and teens especially appreciate the opportunity to meet the involved medical team. Certainly include children of all ages in visits to the hospital. Always consider their questions.
~Prepare. Help kids know what to expect next. If they are going to visit your loved one in the hospital, prepare them if there will be a number of machines in the room. If their loved one has lost hair, tell your children that as well. Make plans ahead of time for special visits…kids feel reassured when they are involved and know they can see their family member.
~Communicate. Tell your child’s school about the illness in your family. This is best done early on. Tell not just your child’s teacher, but also her guidance counselor and school nurse. Importantly, if your child’s behavior drastically changes, consider talking with a psychologist. And above all, tell your child they may always ask you questions and express their feelings to you.
~Life must go on. This is hard. But so very important for kids. Maintain their routine as much as possible and have a special friend, sitter or close relative help with doing this. Also, reassure your kids it’s absolutely fine to have fun and play with friends and continue their extracurricular activities. When possible, plan some fun things to do with your loved one as they are able through their illness.
A family illness is overwhelming for everyone, especially for children who aren’t able to fully understand. While they need to know the sad news and possibly prepare for the death of a close relative or friend, be sure to give kids information a little at a time. Take baby steps. Revisit some of the details you’ve already talked about. Above all, talk in simple, honest terms and be sad together. Include them so they won’t have to figure out alone the changes around them. They will want to visit their loved one and make cards and color pictures. Make memories.
[For some wonderful family activities see lianalowenstein.com/articlesTerminalIllnes.pdf. Scroll down article to page 7.]Further resources: babycenter.com
