To Write a Thank-You or Phone it in?

What I suddenly understood was that a thank-you note isn’t the price you pay for receiving a gift, as so many children think it is, a kind of minimum tribute or toll, but an opportunity to count your blessings.  And gratitude isn’t what you give in exchange for something; it’s what you feel when you are blessed–blessed to have family and friends who care about you, and who want to see you happy.  Hence the joy from thanking.

~Will Schwalbe, in The End of Your Life Book Club

I felt a twinge of hope when Mr. Schwalbe shared his epiphany about (and perhaps a bit of fondness for?) the writing of thank you notes…given he described that, as a child, his mother insisted he and his siblings write all their thank you’s for Christmas gifts on Christmas.  Kids generally think of writing thank you’s as a monumental task, akin to doing homework, and particularly, homework on Christmas.  And here Will Schwalbe has lived to tell about it, and embrace the process as well.  Probably because he has the writer gene.

I was also raised to write thank you’s but fortunately, I was not required to do so on Christmas, or on my birthday (however, I was required to try on all the clothes I received on those occasions before I played with my new toys…). I was supposed to write them in a timely fashion, however.  It became a habit, a ritual, and one I am grateful to my parents for making me do.  So now, I insist my kids hand-write thank you notes.  Strangely, my daughter loves to write them (and do homework…there you go).  My older son normally puts up a fight but if his beloved stuffed rabbit gets a gift, too, he will enjoy writing a note in her “voice.”  My younger son pretty much hates the process and will rush through it as fast as possible.  He’s pretty perfunctory and his notes rarely include much more than Thank you for the (blank).  Love, (name here).   But when he asked me the other day, “Why don’t we write Santa thank you notes?”  I saw a glimmer of hope that he will continue to express written thanks even when I am not looking over his shoulder.  But I also felt a twinge of guilt; maybe we should write Santa a heartfelt note as well.

I realize it seems rather old-fashioned, getting out the pen and paper and pressing a stamp onto an envelope, especially when a simple tap-tap of a screen and a gratifying woosh sends out our words in an efficient flash.  But I can’t give up the snail mail ritual, with its additional requisite time, because it punctuates the thoughtfulness of our friends and family.

But that’s me.  Modern day etiquette has evolved with our changing technological times, if only to a small degree.  Given our virtual reality, what are the up-to-day manners regarding the expression of thanks?  Sources agree that a handwritten note is never the wrong way to go, but a heartfelt in-person “thank you!” is even better.  So if the gift-giver is “present” a verbal expression stands in for a written note.  If the person is absent when the gift is opened, calling her up on her mobile is a great option.  But leave the email or text version of thanks as a final resort, if a message needs to be conveyed quickly.  In short, keep it verbal or hand-written, remembering that people (especially in these high-tech days) love the personal gesture of snail mail.

Just as there are many ways to communicate our thanks, there are different styles of thank you’s,  given the occasion and the circumstances.  Since we just wrapped up another holiday season, what do we do now?

~Christmas, Chanukah or Birthday Gifts:  Write or call within 3 days of receiving the gift, ideally before the new year.

~Gifts of Money or Gift Cards:  Let the giver know what you plan to use the money for, specifically if you can.

~Host/Hostess Gifts:  Since these are gestures given as a thank you for hospitality, and given in person, an verbal thank you on-the-spot is darn classy.

What about Writers’ Block?  I love how kids cut to the chase with thank you-writing.  Thanks for the legos.  Bam.  Done.  What more needs said?  Personally, I don’t think younger kids need to write more than that when they are oh-so-very concrete (and have a short attention span for sitting still and writing).  It’s more important to get them into the habit of saying thank you.   But eventually, even on their own, they’ll figure out they want to say more about a terrific, thoughtful gift.  Even so, a descriptive thank-you can be hard to write, especially if there’s fear of sounding too gushy…I know this is a challenge for me and I’m in my 40’s!  So i found a step-by-step guide of what to include in a thank you, whether it’s for legos, leggings or a laptop:

Opening remarks:  Use the term “Dear” and then the person’s name.  If that doesn’t feel right, just use the recipient’s name.

State the obvious:  Say thank you for the gift.  Be straightforward.

So far so good, right?  Here comes the more challenging part:

Give some detail:  Say what you plan to use the gift for, when you will use it (like on vacation), why you like the gift…make it personal.  Stumped?  Simply say “I love it!”

Wrap it up (yes, pun intended!):  Express your thanks again, and top it with a second personal statement, like “Great to see you/Hope to see you…”  Then seal the deal with your signature.

Speaking from experience:  Proofread your children’s thank you notes before they seal the envelope.  That’s all I’ll say about that!

My son chose these as our holiday thank-you notes…