Should I Let My Child Quit?
Channelling Johnny Cash. But he’d rather be acting.
There is a well-known story about Olympic champion Gabrielle Douglas and the turning point in her gymnastics career. She was living with a host family in Iowa so she could work with Liang Chow, the coach who trained Shawn Johnson. But being terribly homesick for her family and life in Virginia, she told her mother she wanted to quit gymnastics. Upon hearing this Gabby’s mom read her the riot act and, as we all know, the rest is history.
I began learning the trumpet at age nine. Shortly thereafter I got braces and could hardly play a note. My instructor brought me to tears so I told my mom I wanted to quit. And if she hadn’t requested a different teacher for me, I wouldn’t have become a renowned classical trumpet player with a record deal. (Ok, I never became NEARLY that good but did go on to play through high school and into college. And I can play a wicked rendition of Frosty the Snowman at Christmastime…)
Many of us have been there. For those of us parents who haven’t, we likely will. When one of our kids wants to quit an activity, we automatically think about what he could miss out on by ending the experience. Whether it be greatness (Gabrielle Douglas) or simple enjoyment and appreciation (me) or something in between, we reflexively say:
No way. You need to give it a chance.
And we say this for many other reasons, such as investment (financial or time) or, and I will admit this, wanting to live vicariously through our child’s experience (see May 22, 2014’s post Well Enough About Me…). Importantly, we also wonder if we may raise a “quitter” by letting him bail, encouraging that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And of course we want our child to learn the value of teamwork, grit, and problem-solving, the attributes of life success.
By the way, my husband and I let our son quit guitar.
Was this an easy decision? No, not remotely. But I think our son was truly unhappy with the whole process, despite his asking us for lessons (we didn’t go to him with the idea) and his obvious respect for his cool, talented teacher. It was a struggle each day to sit down to practice, so after almost a year we threw in the towel. He just wasn’t enjoying guitar. And neither were the rest of us, beginning every evening with a struggle over the if, when and the how long to practice. It just wasn’t worth it, despite all the wonderful things there are about learning to play a musical instrument.
Truthfully, I wish I had sought advice sooner on how to approach my son’s desire to quit guitar. It would have saved a lot of hard feelings, mostly my son’s. But better late than never. As we start up the fall activity schedule and some of us parents are going to hear I want to quit here are some thoughts on the topic.
♠♠♠ Lucille Tylka, therapist, recommends in her interview on MetroParent.com to consider requests to quit individually. Is your child lacking effort during an activity? Consider this a teachable moment in commitment. If you remember Mikey in that classic Life cereal commercial (I’m dating myself here) he, with some encouragement, tried it and he liked it. What if your normally hard-working child just isn’t “feeling it”? This could be a sign that an activity isn’t for him, and a reason to consider, at least, a hiatus. Ms. Tylka goes on to say that before your child begins something new, be sure your family values are in place and agreed upon: Is a stint on the baseball team just testing the waters of interest or an exercise in something else, like learning commitment or teamwork? Keep in mind, Tylka says, if your answer is the latter these values can be taught in another way, in other settings, if an activity doesn’t pan out.
♣♣♣ Ah, the Times. In a face-off on the online version of The New York Times (“Forcing Kids to Commit to Their Extracurriculars, NYTimes.com, May 5, 2014) columnists Bruce Feiler and KJ Dell’Antonia present their parental views on the subject. He says: Whether it is an organized sport or band or a theatre troupe, kids need to see it through, lest they let down the rest of team/group. At the end of the season/term/performance parents and kids together can reevaluate whether to pursue or quit. Kids who don’t like an activity initially may change their minds. She says: If kids don’t like an extracurricular…give it up. If there’s no time for the activity or if it interferes with getting school work done…give it up. Don’t force kids into something they don’t want to do. However, the exception is to never, ever, let a group down by quitting.
♦♦♦ On her blog Free Range Kids Lenore Skenazy believes it’s important to give kids the reins when choosing an out-of-school interest. Let them explore the gamut if they want and quit if the shoe doesn’t fit. Kids need to find an activity they love. However, she says, be careful to preserve time for free time and free play. Balance is key. And she rationalizes that if the extracurricular isn’t imperative (most aren’t, really), don’t force it.
♠♣♦ Talk to your kids. Extracurriculars are a commitment: time, money, carpool arrangements, and practice, practice, practice. They are a family affair. It’s important to choose these endeavors wisely, but that wisdom can only come with trial and error. For example, my boys love of soccer began and ended with their first day of a preschool clinic, made obvious by their bewildered expressions and greater interest in a bee collecting pollen. Of course we stayed in for the rest of the month but learned that the pitch wasn’t for them. Money well-spent, really. While their behavior spoke volumes, when kids are at the age they can articulate their feelings, communication can work wonders. Talking with kids about why they want to quit or why they want to try something new provides valuable insight into what does or does not inspire them. A conversation can smooth over the desire to quit and help realize the potential in an activity that leaves a bad initial impression. Or it may help us guide them into something they truly love.
And one final note (pun intended), here’s a novel idea. Michelle Obama insists her two daughters play two sports each. One sport they can choose but the other…she chooses. The reason for Mrs. Obama’s strategy? She wants her girls to learn how to struggle, but then improve, at something they don’t enjoy. The force of commitment is strong with this mom, someone who has a clear goal for her children’s extracurricular experience. And has an interesting approach.
