What to Expect When Your Daughter Starts Puberty
My daughter is eight years old. She loves jigsaw puzzles, lip smackers, and American Girl everything. A little girl. So it’s hard to believe it’s time to have “The Talk.” Yes, the recommended age is eight. The thought of sitting down with my second grader to discuss birds-and-bees is, to say the least, unsettling. When I read this advice I was relieved that age eight was a long, long, year away.
But time flies. My daughter just passed the halfway point to age nine. I guess I need to get a move-on.
It was so much easier when I worked in family medicine. I did exams and stated, yes, puberty has started, or no, it has not, and made general projections as to when my young female patients’ may start menstruating. But when a tween is your own child, the issues are less perfunctory and more personal. As parents, this “talk” is not just an anatomical one but one that delves into our family’s values about intimate topics and how to navigate the inevitable comparisons (and competition and teasing) when kids’ bodies start to become those of adults.
And calling it “The Talk” is a terrible misnomer. Talking “the birds and the bees” can’t happen over one ice cream date, just as puberty doesn’t occur over night. This is an ongoing discussion that needs to occur in small doses, over a number of years. The key is to be prepared and knowledgeable ahead of time so we can support our children before and during their transition into adulthood.
Bodily changes, the hallmark of puberty, is only the beginning but a good place to start. What do we as parents need to know and pass along to our daughters? (Note: parents of sons, I’ll do a similar post geared to you and your boys next week.) Here is some information to start with:
1) What is puberty? It is the collective changes children’s bodies go through to become adults. These changes are caused by normal body chemicals called hormones. For girls, puberty usually begins between the ages of 8 and 13. Every girl starts and progresses through puberty in her own way: a tough but true fact for body-conscious girls. However, if your daughter has not begun breast development by age 12 or has not started her period by age 15, it’s a good idea to have her pediatrician do a history and physical exam to check for any issue that may be stalling her development.
2) Hygiene. As my daughter played in the tub with her Barbies (and I’m trying to get my head around a puberty chat), I decided our first “talk” should reinforce good hygiene habits…the proper care of her “female parts.” I reminded her she needs to wash this area with every shower and bath to keep herself clean. We talked about how she is different from her brothers, in that she has a vagina and labia. Even though she is already familiar with both terms, it was worth bringing up as we continue to talk about how her body is changing into that of a woman. Consider this approach your starting point if you haven’t introduced how girls are anatomically different from boys.
3) Growth spurts. Why are middle school girls generally bigger than middle school boys? They usually experience growth spurts in early puberty. And this growth not only pertains to height but also to weight. A girl’s body fat can increase from 8 to 21 percent in the early stages of pubertal change and will localize to the stomach, legs and bottom, making her body “curvier.” On paper this seems an unhealthy weight gain but it really isn’t. This additional body fat is needed in order for a girl’s period to start. So while your daughter may worry she is “getting fat,” let her know what’s happening. Emphasize and model healthy eating habits (no dieting to lose weight!) during this time.
4) Breasts. Breast development is typically one of the first signs of puberty. Your daughter may complain of tenderness and also discover small mounds of tissue (known as “breast buds”) beneath the nipples. Both are normal. Sometimes one breast develops before the other and “uneven” growth occurs. Your daughter will likely need some reassurance during this change as comparisons with her friends and classmates do happen! Let her know that breasts can continue to grow and change until she is 17 or 18. And when breast buds become apparent, this is a good time to talk about bras. She may want one immediately, or she may not. Do what she (and you) are comfortable with.
5) Menstrual period. “When will I start my period?” The grandmother of all puberty questions! Typically, a girl will have her first period 2 to 2/12 years after her breasts start developing. A normal cycle is anywhere from 21 to 35 days but keep in mind periods can be even more irregular in young girls. Some important points about this huge life change:
~Explain what it means to have a period. This may seem like a no-brainer but it warrants mention. Your daughter needs to know that having periods means she can bear children and that even though her cycles will be irregular at first, she can still become pregnant. (You see where I’m going with this.)
~Moms, think back to your first period. What was it like? How did you feel? If it is right for you and your daughter, share your experience or at least draw upon it as you help your daughter learn to care for herself during menstruation.
~Your daughter may be concerned whether she can play sports, swim and do her normal activities while she has her period. Reassure her that she can and be sure she has the supplies she needs in her gym bag and backpack.
~Teenage girls, even those just starting to menstruate, can use tampons if they wish… as long as they are able to insert them properly and remove them. Slim or regular are recommended. However, she should use a pad at night while sleeping.
6) Hair. At any time during puberty hair will begin to grow in the armpits, on the upper inner thighs and in a triangular distribution over the pubic bone. Your daughter may notice light-colored, soft hair in these area at first, but then the hair will become coarser and darker in color. Help her to decide whether she wishes to shave and support her choice. This is another good time to reinforce good hygiene habits.
7) Acne. Many of us recall counting our pimples and trying not to pop them. One of the most difficult pubertal signs is acne, and our daughters will need as much support coping with blemishes as they will the permanent bodily changes. Even if your daughter is lucky enough to have the occasion “break out” she will feel self-conscious about “zits.” Support her. If you had acne, tell her of your experience. Take her to a dermatologist if needed for severe and/or extensive acne. Encourage cleansing with a non-soap, non-comedogenic cleanser and go with her to the store to chose one. But do remember: acne cannot be “cured,”, only controlled. Unfortunately, the only true cure is waiting it out (aka waiting until the end of puberty).
8) Perspiration. As if hair growing in new places and acne aren’t enough, sweat production increases during puberty. And this is not just associated with sports participation or nervousness over adolescent body changes. Kids start to sweat more. Help your daughter choose an antiperspirant (deodorant only covers up odor but antiperspirant helps reduce the sweat.) that contains aluminum chloride. The higher the percentage of aluminum chloride, the more effective it can be.
Note: aluminum chloride does not cause breast cancer, as was circulated in the media a few years ago. However, if you and your daughter are not comfortable with using an antiperspirant with aluminum chloride, try one of the natural products on the market today. Keep in mind, however, that most of these products are deodorants, not antiperspirants.
And lastly,
10) Emotions. Everyone’s. Not a physical change, obviously, but the emotional roller coaster goes hand-in-hand with everything above. Puberty is challenging for your daughter and you as well! Let her know you are willing to listen when she needs to talk and, even though it is easier said than done, take a breath and check your own pulse when her emotions run high. Keeping your cool is key to maintaining open lines of communication between you and your daughter. Be clear about your expectations, values, and the consequences of her actions. Consider helping your daughter chose an ally, a trusted adult she can go to when she doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you. (I talked about this in more detail in My Daughter is Growing Up. How Can I Help Her?)
Ultimately, the simplest and best advice is to just love her, support her, listen to her. And remember you were once in her shoes.
