Grocery Store “Gangstas”
No, that’s not my son’s hand. It belongs to some random shopper whom I almost warned to not eat the peppers. But I’m sure he thought I was weird enough already to be snapping photos of produce.
He was so proud. He loved bell peppers and tiny things in general (still does) and showed me the diminutive green pepper while we shopped the produce section of the grocery store. I turned away for just a few seconds (it’s always “just a few seconds,” right?) to select some lettuce and when I turned back to my son, his tongue was hanging out of his mouth and jalapeño seeds falling to the floor.
Everyone says going from man-on-man to “zone” defense is no slam-dunk from a parenting point of view but I think “everyone” forgot about heading to the grocery store. Even with one child along, food shopping can go awry in one quick taste of a jalapeño. Think about the distractions: shelves of shiny fruit and colorful cans. The sushi sample guy. Don’t even mention the hey kids! free cookie!!! plate/cesspool-of-germs in the bakery section. No place in the world sets the stage for distraction better than a grocery store. Not even Disneyland. Because at least in the Magic Kingdom, parents and kids are (nearly) on the same page…looking to have fun together. But at the Piggly Wiggly? Kids think amusement park, adults think mundane chore. Nowhere are kids and their parents more likely to have a tantrum or nervous breakdown or suffer accidental trauma from a fiery vegetable. Believe me, to this day my son talks warns me against eating “mini bell peppers.”
In spite of the jalapeño encounter, I have ventured to bring all three of my kids to the grocery store, and on more than one occasion. I have been told I am brave to do so, but sometimes it is a necessity. We power through, at a snail’s pace (anyone with kids knows “power” and “snail” can be used in the same sentence), my trying to bribe with donuts for good behavior or, on a Good Mommy day, try to engage them in “clever” math games (what does one box of cereal cost? How about two?) or send them to find the peanut butter or farfalle. But the call for “clean up in aisle nine” put the kibosh on the second idea.
Some of our other grocery store adventures you probably can identify with (at least I hope so):
~At a well-known “Big Box” I turned away for just a few seconds (again!) to thank the sample lady only to find my three kids atop a display of toilet paper and paper towels packages.
~One of my boys ran (the term “walking feet” is lost on him) to the bathroom at the grocery store. When he was out of earshot, my daughter said, “Let’s ditch him!!!” A fellow shopper thought that was pretty funny, which certainly made me feel better about bringing chaos in triplicate to his shopping experience.
~Same boy, different shopping excursion: I found him hanging from the milk-section refrigerator door and getting the stink-eye from a little old lady who was watching him. I had him apologize for his behavior. Then she gave me the stink-eye.
~I was unloading groceries at home only to find two bags of croutons (garlic-cheese flavored, for you foodies out there) and three containers of “icebreakers” candy I was certain I didn’t put in the cart. Upon inspection of my receipt, yup, I bought ’em. Apparently I was so fried by check-out time I couldn’t even QC what I handed the clerk.
But for all the snafus, misbehaviors and bickering, there are some sunny spots in our shopping trips. Like the guy who laughed at my daughter wanting to leave her brother at the store. He said to me later how entertained he was, and how my kids reminded him of the joy he gets from being with his grandson. And the clerk who says we are her “favorite family” because we like to guess how many items we bought, and tease the “closest guesser”that they have to buy the groceries.
We do have fun at the store. But I often only think that in retrospect.
Except for when my son tried the jalapeño. I laughed a little right then and there. How terrible is that?
