My Daughter is Growing Up. How Can I Help Her?

My daughter’s room is pink. It is fluffy. It is soft and sweet. Except for the pink legos. Those are sharp and they hurt my feet.

My daughter.  Just yesterday I seemed to notice her again, growing taller, holding herself with the air of a budding “tween”.  Even her facial features have changed.  Why is it kids seem to take another step towards maturity over night?

Right now my daughter is in such an awesome place.  She has a great second grade teacher.  She does advanced mathwork.  Her friends are really good kids who have a positive influence on her.  Right now, this tight little group plays with dolls and is reading Harry Potter.  This is the kind of peer pressure parental dreams are made of.  When your daughter dresses her doll like Kit from the Depression Era and also wants to get up early in the morning to read before school, who can complain?

And believe me, I am not.  But my daughter is only eight.  There are lots of pitfalls ahead with emerging adolescence, the teen years themselves (as a friend of mine said, “Sixteen is going to be so much FUN!!!”) and then the self-discovery of early adulthood.  These times are confusing and a girl’s support system is not only her immediate family but also her “peer family.”  The latter becomes pretty darn important and how as parents can we help our daughters make and maintain good friends who may become part of that adolescent peer family?  It is a daunting question and task, especially as I see my girl right now in this sweet spot with wholesome friendships both of us want to last for years to come.

Several months ago I read Queen Bees and Wannabees by Roselind Wiseman and found it wonderfully informative about  “girl world” in our technological age.  At the time I wrote several posts relating to this book (The Brandishing of Butt Bows…a Foray into Girl World and The Queen Bee and Her Court) and here I go again.  I hate to sound like everything is a nail to the hammer that is Queen Bees but this book is a great resource.  And one that will be well-worn after the next ten years parenting a daughter.  Ms. Wiseman’s guidance speaks to helping our daughters through the tricky and tumultuous time of adolescence but, it also can help us now, when our daughters are in elementary school, in preparing for those years.  Here are some of her suggestions, ones that can extrapolate to helping our daughters find good peer groups:

1)  Know the parents of our daughter’s friends.  This point seems pretty obvious but can be easier said than done with our scheduled lives and responsibilities.  But becoming acquainted with a friend’s family, even through brief encounters like meeting for carpool or talking pitch-side at a soccer game can count for a lot.  Exchanging phone numbers and letting your daughters know you are connecting with her friends’ parents, says Ms. Wiseman, lets your daughter (and her friends) know those communication lines are open, and will be used.  Personally, those brief interactions at the school bus stop, before gymnastics and at music lessons have been great ways to get to know other parents and with whom we are on the same page in the parenting game.

2)  Every girl needs an “ally.”  I love this idea.  Ms. Wiseman recommends we parents, in collaboration with our daughters, chose a trusted female adult that she can go to with questions or problems that she may not want to share with us parents.  This should be someone we know well, like a neighbor or family friend.   While the conversations between a girl and her ally would be confidential, the exceptions to the rule would be any issue that puts someone in danger physically or mentally.  Having another person (importantly, someone with an objective and rational viewpoint) to trust can help our daughters navigate adolescence and choose positive relationships to share the journey with.  Of course the relationship with an ally can be a prime example!

3)  Take a deep breath and SEAL the deal.   Cliques and their politics and hierarchy are tough, for everyone.  Every girl is in a clique, has her place and can move up or down.  The others in the clique may be true friends, “friends” or enemies.  So a peer family may or may not be a healthy environment for our daughters.  How can we best get a feel and understanding of our daughter’s involvement and “place” without alienating her?  Especially when parents (and allies!) are in the role of helping her find which relationships are healthy and positive and which are abusive and degrading?  Enter the SEAL strategy which Ms. Wiseman uses liberally throughout her book.  When a problem arises that is hurtful and angers our daughters parents and allies can use this method, and teach our girls the same to solve these problems.  In a nutshell, here is the approach that SEAL entails:

~S = Stop and Strategize:  pause to listen to the problem,  then determine the best time and place to discuss it fully.

~E = Explain:  details of the situation that are upsetting and what needs to change or be done.

~A = Affirm:  verbally admit anything you (the individual using SEAL) did to inflame the situation but voice your need to be treated with respect by the others involved and that you will do the same for them.

~L = Lock:  maintain (“lock in”) the friendship, take a break from it or break (“lock out”) ties.

4)  Good family values.  Not the kind politicians have hijacked.  Yours.  Each family has their own unique set and parenting at its very core is the passing along of values to the next generation.  The SEAL strategy above, when skillfully used, incorporates family values and helps us help our children become independent, compassionate adults.  But the dialogue on values cannot begin and end with SEAL.  Dinnertime conversations and family meetings can bust the topic wide open and bring it home to our children.  But instead of parents getting the conversation rolling, put it in the hands of the kids.  An idea Ms. Wiseman suggests in her book is to start scheduling regular “dates” with our daughters, such as going to a favorite restaurant once-a-month.  And going when it can be just her and Mom or Dad.  No interruptions.  Start things off with, “We rarely get time just the two of us.  How are you?”  And see where things go.  What a great opportunity to hear about our daughters’ successes, worries and relationships.  I have started to do this with my daughter already so when she gets to be what my friend describes as “fun” at age sixteen, the tradition is already in place, so she can’t bail out.  After all, that is the age she is going to need this unpressured time the most, to…whether she’ll admit it or not…get help with how to mend or break ties with friends or “friends.”

Will we be fully in the know about our daughters’ lives?  No.  But laying that groundwork now and giving them the tools to grow through the challenges of adolescence can certainly help them become the women we hope for them to be.

For more, see:

Queen Bees and Wannabes:  Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World, second ed., by Rosalind Wiseman (Pub. Three Rivers Press/Crown Publishing Group/Random House, copyright 2009)

Note:  I receive no form of kickback for writing book reviews or waxing prolific about Ms. Wiseman’s advice.