The Birth Plan
And there they are, our twins. Needing a bit more time in the oven, though.
As our twins’ due date drew near, after the baby showers and the painting of the nursery and the birthing class, it was time to face the reality of our boys’ arrival: the delivery. It was a bit of a revelation, with so much focus on ultrasounds and a growing tummy and intense cravings for macaroni and cheese and homemade brownies, that, indeed, these babies would soon make a grand entrance. Somehow.
The suitcase was packed. But other than that, we were simply waiting. The hospital of our choice (wait, who am I kidding…the hospital covered by our insurance) felt differently. In the mail one afternoon I received a form from Labor and Delivery entitled “Birth Plan.” Please fill in out, the staff requested, and return it to be placed the admission file we have started for you.
Given our “Birth Plan” was to have a delivery of healthy babies under the supervision of experienced hospital staff, I found this form a little concerning. The “Birth Plan” seemed rather straightforward and obvious. Puzzled, I began skimming the form. There were questions about the kind of environment in which I wanted to give birth. Who I wanted present at the birth (ok, valid security question, I get that). And other questions about how the staff could make childbirth a most memorable life experience. In short, these questions were mostly B.S. I was about to circular-file the form when I stopped short, concerned that in this era of denied insurance claims I’d better comply, less we’d be saddled with a huge hospital bill for not completing a “Birth Plan.”
So here are my responses. Some are real. Some are my inner dialogue.
Birth Plan
What type of music would you like playing while you are in labor?
Jimmy Buffett.
Who is allowed to be present at the delivery of your baby?
My husband (who also happens to be the father of the babies), the obstetrician, the necessary nursing staff, and a Green Bay Packers fan. A Rabid Cheesehead can scream “Go!” like nobody’s business and I may need some encouragement.
Do you wish to have drugs (an epidural, spinal, etc.) to make the laboring process more comfortable?
Hell, YES!
What videos would you like to have available to watch during your time in Labor and Delivery?
The Exorcist. Oh, and The Sound of Music. It’s my absolute favorite!
Would you like a mirror so you can watch your child being born?**
Hell, NO! I’ve seen babies being born and well, it’s yucky!!! Their birth is the first and final huge mess my children will make that I WON’T have to clean up so leave me totally out of it! Plus I don’t want anything in the way of the doctor catching my kids as they come out…these little guys are slippery! ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR MINDS?!?!
Anything else you’d like us to know?
I’m going to give it to you straight: our “plan” is to have healthy babies delivered by skilled staff. Staff that can minimize the risk of complications and have the foresight to do so. Amen.
So there you have it. For the record, there was no Jimmy Buffett music at our boys’ birth, no Exorist or cute kids singing “So Long, Farewell.” There was no mirror, either. My husband and I wonder what happened to that “Birth Plan,” if anyone ever read it or filed it or pulled it when I was admitted to the hospital. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. Because we got exactly what we hoped for: our two healthy baby boys.
And no one needed a form to know that’s what we all wanted.
**I kid you not, this was an actual question.
