She Said, She Said
Recently a mother texted me that her first grader came home from school upset that my young daughter was making fun of her on the school bus. And would I please talk with my little one? The mom wasn’t accusatory but simply wanted the situation settled, her daughter was hurt. Reflexively, I assumed my daughter was in the wrong, because my own mother did just that when it came to similar circumstances involving me, or because I knew the family well enough to know the mom wouldn’t exaggerate about something like this. I didn’t go directly to my daughter to scold her; I have learned through many episodes of knee-jerk mothering that heat-of-the-moment discussions NEVER go well. Good thing. Because as I thought about school bus politics and the politics of early grade school interactions (well, let’s face it, interhuman interactions at ANY age), it takes two to cause a conflict. And getting to the bottom of this was a fool’s errand. Knowing there would be two sides to this common story of childhood angst and that SOMETHING happened, whatever it was, I needed to approach my daughter as objectively as possible. Our conversation when something like this:
Me: “So, D, who have you been sitting with on the bus ride home from school?”
D: “My friend.”
Me: “What’s your friend’s name?”
D: “I don’t know her name.”
Me: “I haven’t heard you mention (upset little girl) for awhile. Have you seen her on the bus?”
D: “I don’t like her. She’s mean.”
Me: “Did something happen between you and her?”
D: “She’s mean to me.”
Me: “What do you mean by that?”
D: “I don’t know. She just is (mean).”
Ok. This conversation was going nowhere. Fast. Clearly my daughter was upset. About something. What? I decided not to bring up the text I received from the other mom, as that would assuredly aggravate whatever my daughter was feeling. All I learned is there was an incident, whether purposefully mean or not, and feelings were hurt. To take anyone’s side would validate what either child did, make it ok, and it wasn’t. So I said something like this:
Mom: “It sounds like something happened between you and her and you both feel bad. Next time you see her, can you try smiling at her and just saying ‘hi?’ Set a good example and be kind. You may never be friends with this little girl but you might…who knows? Let’s practice our kind manners on the bus.”
Fortunately, the other little girl’s mother is quite cool…”Mama Bear” enough to go to bat for her daughter but not “Stage Mom” rabid when it comes to helping her hurt cub to heal. I texted her a summary of my conversation with D and let her know I would be reminding my own bear cub of good manners and respect on the school bus and making sure she knows what I expect in her behavior.
Did I handle this situation correctly? I think the “be kind” advice is sound. Not being able to know what happened between the little girls I can’t pass judgement on either of them. Plus I was lucky enough to be working with another mother who fully understood the social dynamics of little girls. But in pondering any other scenario of “she said, she said,” I can’t see myself assuming either side is fully in the wrong because these are human children and stuff happens; kids don’t have the social capability and self control to not push back when pushed. Unless I bear witness to a violation of the bus, playground, or other rules, I can’t specifically intervene. It would be a bad example to my D and my boys to do so without full information. But I can teacher my kids to take the high road.
